Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Empty Threats: Are They Half Empty Or Half Full?

“A traitor is everyone who does not agree with me.”
—George III

Iranian President, Mahmood Ahmadinejad dropped by the Whitehouse during a press conference this morning. President Bush was surprised no more than Vice President Cheney when Ahmadinejad asked what Bush meant when he said, “From now on, underwear will be worn on the outside.”

Bush obviously flustered and surprised, hesitated for a moment, then said. “I never said that.”

“Aha!” rejoined Ahmadinejad, “Then you have been furnishing atomic weapons to Israel! What are their peaceful purposes for these WMDs? I thought you said that every country has a right to defend itself. That's all we want to do, O ye of little faith.”

“Well you’ve got to show us the Nuke-u-lar weapons you don't have,” said Bush.

Ahmadinejad turned out his pockets, pulled down his pants and said, “There, I don’t have any.”

”You’re lying,” said Bush. “Everyone knows you've got ’em. We sold hundreds of WMDs to the Shah. You’re working on enriching uranium. You gotta cut that out or we invade next week!”

“Mission accomplished.” said Ahmadinejad running across the White House lawn, “Woo, woo! See ya next week!”

Monday, August 21, 2006

This Is NOT A Test

“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.” —Vladimir Lenin

There are some people out there with nothing better to do than lie to the American people. Consistently. They are not unlike the ailens in a Twilight Zone episode who carried a book titled “How to Serve Man,” originally believed to be a philanthropic work but which upon further translation proved to be a cookbook.

The German people believed Hitler, until after the war. The Italians believed Il Duce, until after the war. The Americans believed George Bush before the war, but are having a problem with him now. 51% used to believe him when he was elected. That toatal (depending upon whose poll you believe) is anywhere from 33% to 40%. I wouldn’t call that a mandate for anything. He’s getting angry because he’s not telling us the truth.He can't make the lie stick. It’s called frustration. He’s barely coherent. He's ignoring his advisors whom everyone believed would save us from his stupidity.

I don’t think that even George W. Bush knows that he’s being lied to.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It's In The Eye Of The Beholder

“I think you're going to find out that westerns will be coming back. It's Americana, it's part of our history, the cowboy, the cattle drive, the sheriff, the fight for law, order and justice. Justice will always prevail as far as I'm concerned.” —Clayton Moore

These were the days when no one yet knew anything and the government could pull the wool over just about everyone's eyes. The great communicator, a B movie western actor caught the nation's fancy with straight talk, undyed hair, a failing mind and a ventriloquist named Nancy. His failing mind would save his administration a collosal embarrassment and a number of upper level administrators their careers.

If you believe in the right-wingnut conservative media, you'd think Reagan was George Washington, William Wallace and Jesus Christ all rolled into one sweet smelling ball. Unfortunately, the words, “I don’t recall,” though prophetic at the time, served the nation poorly when it came resolving justice regarding the Iran/Contra scandal.

He sure did look good, though.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Now Watch This Trick!

“Once annihilate the quackery of government, and the most homebred understanding might be strong enough to detect the artifices of the state juggler that would mislead him. —William Godwin

This morning, President Bush appeared at a White House news conference with three red balls. While fielding questions from the press corps, Bush adroitly kept the three balls airborne.

He reminisced about the “soft ball” questions he used to take on the chin from Gary Guckert, and complained that even though Helen Thomas is a woman, she plays hardball.

He then challenged anyone in the crowd to a game of three-card-monty for 3 trillion dollars just to show he's got the best interests of the U.S. Treasury at heart. There were no takers, but a Chinese gentleman motioned him toward the cloakroom just off the Oval Office.

When asked about his wiretaps and spying upon U.S. citizens being declared illegal, Bush merely winked and stated that it really didn't matter what the court said. He wasn’t going to cease and desist as he'd been reassured by Alberto Gonzalez, performing a job no American would do, that everything was legal.

“Screw them,” he said. “If Reagan and Ollie can sell weapons to Iran and use the money to finance the Contras, I can spy on all y'all.”

Thursday, August 17, 2006

What The Hell's The Hate Hannity Hotline?

“The real primary diseases of man are such defects as pride, cruelty, hate, self-love, ignorance, instability and greed; and each of these, if considered, will be found to be adverse to Unity.”—Edward Bach
I have a morbid curiosity about people like Sean Hannity. He's a nice looking man with a nice family, Irish Catholic, and a bag full of hate like no one I've ever known with the exception of Rush Limbaugh. How anyone can be as continuously wrong on the little points makes me crazy. He opens his can of worms nearly everyday to pull out this nightcrawler, “Osama Bin Laden's driver shouldn't have any rights!” when in actuality he means Saddam Hussein's driver. As I recall, Osama walks over rocks, is in the mountains of Pakistan anyway, and never had a driver. Hannity gets himself so worked up he can barely remember his own name.

Hannity's best sense is knowing when a caller is a liberal and smart enough to get the best of him in an argument. Sean immediately hits all his favorite, generic rant points culminating with his rudely cutting off of the call.

This ridiculous zombie, this ranting inconsequential being of a , dare I say, man? This clone of Limbaugh, this slut to Coulter. I’d like to go on but I won't. In an effort to be brief, God he makes me want to puke. Great American my ass.

Some schoolyard is missing a bully. And Saddam Hussein’s driver might yet ecsape noteriety, thanks to Sean.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What Kind Of Bliss Is This?

“Do not waste your time on Social Questions. What is the matter with the poor is Poverty; what is the matter with the rich is Uselessness.” —George Bernard Shaw

This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased.
- A Christmas Carol, Stave 3: The Second of the Three Spirits

It's sad, but a fact, that the poor are always with us. No matter what we do there will always be those with less of whatever the rest of us enjoy and take for granted. Not so the case with ignorance. Shoudn't be anyway.

There is no reason for anyone to be kept in ignorance or misled by being fed false information. Fostering resentment, hate and misunderstanding through ignornace for one’s own advantage is insidious. Whether it be a government, a parent, a teacher, an imam, a priest, a peer or a pundit, promoting ignorance is an evil, malicious thing to do to anyone or any group. The human mind is a fallow field. Seeds, whether good or evil, once planted will grow to fruition.

Someday the ignorant will kill the comfortable rich. Being ignorant, they don't know any better. Keep looking over your shoulder. And they'll probably have plenty of help for the ever increasing ranks of the poor.

How About A Mulligan?

“You go back and read the Crusades history. The seeds of terrorism are being sowed as we butcher them and murder them in the name of the God of the West, and denigrated them and spat on them. You think that stuff doesn't come back to haunt you?” —John Shelby Spong

Maybe we should get another chance at this thing. No doubt the opportunity will eventually present itself if we “stay the course” because the course doesn't make much sense. Neither does spitting into the wind. A lot of golfers allow a mulligan on the first tee during a friendly round to compensate for a duffed drive. If only it were possible in a major tournament who knows what might happen.

Maybe we could redo this whole religion thing. After all it wasn't God who invented religion. Why should we be fighting over our curse of experiencing him. A horse doesn't “know” his rider anymore than a man can “know” God. He can only experience what it's like to be ridden.

Unfortunately, this is a major tournament.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It’s All About Me

“When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.” —George W. Bush

Condaleeza Rice and her brother Redbeenzan we're talking about George Bush. Condi said how much she admired the man. Donald Rumsfeld agreed, as did Vice President, Dick Cheney, while he was cleaning his shotgun at the table during a recent fundraiser. Then Tony Snow told a story about what a great leader his audacity is.

Laura Bush told about how, at age forty, George W. Bush quit drinking alcohol, cold turkey, after she told him, “It's me or the bottle!” She couldn't remember what he said at the time, but assured everyone, while recalling that the George pitched over the sofa head first, that that is why he quit...alcohol. The jury's still out on cocaine.

Harriet Miers wrote him a nice note. Karl Rove absolutely adores the man as does ex-White House reporter/male prostitute, Rich Gannon AKA Gary Guckert, who wrote glowingly and warmly about his “soft ball” experiences with the “great man.”

Alberto Gonzalez supports the President. He’s working on rewriting the Constitution to prove his loyalty. He found some bad legal language in it that requires correction.

That's enought about me. What about George W. Bush?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Not A 100% Guarantee

“Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.—Napoleon Bonaparte

From an Article by Alessandra Rizzo

In a wide-ranging interview with German television broadcast Sunday, the pontiff spoke of Europe's role in Christianity, secularization in the Western world as well as the growing importance of churches in Africa and Latin America.

“So, Ratso, tell me the plan. ”

“Well, it looks like we gotta get all these people in the emerging countries scared before they figure out that there's nothing supernatural or magic going on here. Make them believe that they'll all burn in hell if they lay a finger on us. Tell only we can be the intermediator for their sins. Then we can tithe them. If only it weren’t for all those pederasty lawsuits against priests, we'd be doin’ pretty good right about now. We need this gig.”

“Sounds good. Do you think it will work? I mean converting the heathen.”

“It’s worked for over 2000 years already, at least in the Catholic church.”

“What about the muslims?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Friday, August 11, 2006

And We Thought Billy The Kid Was An Adenoidal Moron

“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” —Will Rogers

Ned Lamont: Who's the feller owns this shithole? You, fat man. Speak up.
John Kerry: Uh, I...I own this establishment. I bought the place from Greeley for a thousand dollars.
Ned Lamont: You better clear outta there.
Little Joe Lieberman: You just hold it right there! Hold it!
[Ned shoots Kerry]
Little Joe Lieberman: Well, you sir, are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Ned Lamont: He should have armed himself if he was goin' to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Little Joe Lieberman: You'd be Ned Lamont out of Connecticut; killer of women and children.
Ned Lamont: That's right. I've killed women and children. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawls at one time or another, and I'm here to kill you Little Joe for what you did to the Democratic party.

Some people just don't get it. They’re so caught up in their own joe-mentum that they can’t perceive that the other hand is not clapping.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Mother of Satan Gives Birth To Imbeciles!

“Hadji, did you bring the acetone?”
“No, I brought the bleach.”
“Mahmood, did you bring the drain cleaner?”
“No, I brought the bleach.”
“Wait a sec... I was supposed to bring the bleach...
we all brought bleach?

Our turbans will be whiter than white!”

Alright. This is really beginning to piss me off.

All innocence had been lost forever. It’s going to be impossible for people growing up after 9/11 to even begin to realize what air travel was like before 9/11. Prior to 1961 when the first hijacking to Cuba occurred, there were scant few incidents involving imbeciles and airplanes. Flying was wonderful, inexpensive, magical, and soooooo convenient. And now the morons are at it again.

It’s easy for people like Hannity to just rant and call these people islamic fascists. What’s hard is to figure out what we ever did to make the raw material that allows them to be so maleable and easily shaped into suicidal fanatics. Make no mistake: they hate us to the point of killing themselves. If that isn't sincerety, I don't know what is.

But then one really only has to look no further than this country to see how rabid red-staters have been shaped by the politics of hate preached by those who would put themselves on display as “great Americans.”

“Excellence in broadcasting” is another guise these charlatans put on to ease the fear created by these uncertain times (not to mention Homeland Security). Our venerated pill-popping, doctor-shopping mentor for “advanced conservative studies,” posturing as an intelligent source of news while fomenting division of the country. Arguing for more power to be given to our oligarchic president and fewer rights granted to us citizens for our own protection.

I’m really tired of all y’all messing up my sleep.

Why I Oughta...

You don't lead by hitting people over the head-that's assault, not leadership. —Dwight D. Eisenhower

George Bush waded into a crowd of reporters, accosted Helen Thomas and knocked her unconscious, yesterday.

“I thought she was going to ask me a question,” said the president by way of a defense, “and I didn’t know the answer!”

From her hospital bed the recovering, feisty Thomas said, “I'm only glad that it wasn't Dick Cheney. I might be dead. This guy is a wuss”

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I Am Become Death

“I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” — J. Robert Oppenheimer

If for some inexplicable reason Hezbollah aided by Iran or Syria should gain the upper hand in the current conflict, the Israelis may feel it necessary to unwrap some of the toys their Uncle Sugar gave them to play with. I say this mostly because Israel keeps saying that a place like Bint Jubayl is in their hands only to find that master Po has snatched it back again. Same with some other areas claimed to be occupied and safe. One needs to read the goat's entrails. Only there are no ancients existing who posess the art of divination.

I do not defend Hezbollah. Allowed to use their own devices, they would undoubtedly attempt to annihilate not only Israel but the rest of us infidels as well. At the same time, they ARE fighting for their own country. (Remember how our patriots hid behind trees and picked off the redcoats, lobsterbacks, Hessians, mercenaries, Brits?)

I wish
only that someone would come forth and say the real reason we're about to condone genocide is to provide a final solution before it gets too messy. I don't think Dubya would like to clean up the White House lawn if it happened here. Why should it happen there?

Now we’re told that there are a bunch of Egyptian students with fake visas who didn't report to school for classes at the University of Montana are at large in our U.S. of A, and that something of “biblical” proportions is slated to occur on August 22. Better gin up Homeland Security. Looks like it might happen here...AND there.


Beyond Petroleum

“No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.” —P. J. O'Rourke

With those record oil profits this year it's funny how BP could allow its infrastructure in Prudhoe Bay to corrode to the point of leaking. It was obviously more important to put those profits in company and shareholder pockets than to conduct themselves as a legitimate business with a responsibility to maintain its equipment.

The pipelines are, supposedly, monitored and tested continuosly. Suddenly they discover corrosion. On 75% of them? Curious.

Either BP is an outright incompetent at running a business, or the pipeline is really not leaking and it's just more hype to increase the price of oil. They're shutting it down not for fun but for profit.

Actual unretouched photo, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Freedom’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

“If there is any principle of the Constitution that more imperatively calls for attachment than any other it is the principle of free thought, not free thought for those who agree with us but freedom for the thought that we hate.” —Oliver Wendell Holmes

In many ways there is already freedom in the countries the U.S. would try to subject to our form of democracy in the middle east. Many people have nothing left to lose but their lives, and when someone with very few qualms about wasting life persuades these people that they might die for a higher cause, he creates a terrorist. There may be freedom, but it's got a whole lot of stupid founded by little hope to go with it. That is probably the cause of the world as a whole because it runs on an “I've got mine, now see if you can get yours” mentality: Rush Limbaugh Capitalism. Our problem as a nation is that, collectively, we've got more money than brains.
However, as the capitalists get greedier, the jobs here are going away. Maybe we'll get smarter or maybe we'll just start to lose hope too.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Condi Knows Democracy

“You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.” —George Bernard Shaw

The tens of thousands who gathered in Baghdad recently to voice their support for Hezbollah in their fight against Israel and the United States were greeted by Condi Rice who wasn't doing anything constructive anyway.

She attempted to convince the crowd that they were merely suffering the birthpangs of becoming a new democracy and that just because they all voted and elected their choice of leaders for their government, it wasn't a democracy until the United States said it was. The Secretary of State announced that she was a qualified midwife and told Muqtada al Sadr to boil some water, tear up those pretty yellow flags and make some diapers.

Ms. Rice and her Assistant, Butterfly McQueen who was overhead saying, “Lawzy, we got to have a doctor. I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies,” flew back to Crawford.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Yes, But It's Also A #@%*...

“Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way.” —William S. Burroughs

I think that pretty well sums it up.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

War Is Not Healthy For Children And Other Living Things

“Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.” —George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday the spector of Donald Rumsfeld appeared in a bullet-pocked hut in Haditha. Reports stated that Rumsfeld was attempting to explain why U.S. Marines had killed 24 innocent women and children. According to local authorities, the apparition lasted for about 3 minutes, then vanished.

Rumsfeld, as usual, accomplished very little because no one could understand him. He spoke only in English. He defended the marines’ actions and appologized for any inconvenience. He also mentioned that he was “the great and powerful Oz,” and that he could stop the war and bring back all the dead if the little girl would bring back the walking stick of Osama Bin Laden.

He succeeded only in terrifying the Bee-jesus (or Bee-allah) out of the little girl who was already frightened half to death.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Apocalypse Sooner or Later

“What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans? That he had wisdom? Bullshit man! ” —Photojournalist, Apocalypse Now

Colonel Kurtz needed to be stopped. He was operating outside of command. He'd taken the law into his own hands. He’d “gone native” as they used to say. He may have been a poet-warrior unlike some people we know, but he was a renegade. Renegades seem to have access to some inner truth only they have discovered. A truth no one else is privy to. A truth they may try to convey. At some point renegades seem to implode and usually take a lot of innocent people with them.

I don't think our current renegade posesses the crystaline logic to insure the world as we know it won't suddenly explode. I'd like to be wrong on this one. Maybe someone at command has the answer. I'm not holding my breath. I just hope he doesn't bring me Chef's head.

That resting heartrate of 48 per minute is unsettling.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

That Goes For You, Too

“Is my hair on fire?” —Geoge W. Bush

After returning from his physical exam at Bethesda Naval Hospital, George W. Bush, a fatter and shorter man, stumbled out of Air Force I and gave an impromptu press conference. As he spoke to the crowd of seven, Israeli jets flew over and strafed the podium.

Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel said, “We don't play favorites. We had information that Hezbollah was hiding under the dais. Might have been a mistake. Anyway, we're sorry. No, really. No collateral damage this time. Oh, look at the time, gotta run.”

Unshaken by his ordeal, President Bush said, “I thought they were after Mel. Ya sure my hair's not on fire?”

Yes, But It's Also A Cigar...

“I think that a man should not live beyond the age when he begins to deteriorate, when the flame that lighted the brightest moment of his life has weakened.” —Fidel Castro

It looks like maybe it's time for old Fidel to bow out. He sure made the world an entertaining place for the last fifty years. Moreso than the latest bunch of crackpots. With Castro, you kinda always knew where you stood.
He had a bizarre kind of integrity.

He should have played baseball. He had always wanted to but that revolution got in his way. I think we'll miss him when he's gone.