Monday, July 31, 2006

IAF Wins 2006 Marksmanship Award


“A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view.” —Napoleon Bonaparte
Israel appologizes. Israel can appologize all it wants. Israelis may feel actual sorrow. Israel may express contritition for having made a mistake which cost over 60 innocents in the Lebonese town of Qana their lives for having had the bad luck to take shelter in a building that was too near a target. Those who offend can tear their clothing and strike their chest and cry out “mea culpa.” And why not? That's what Mel Gibson is doing.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Blitzkrieg On A Roll: Famous Nazis, Part III


“In vino veritas.” —Old Roman Proverb


“So what? Yeah I said some bad things about the Jews. Can't a man even drink and drive anymore? No? Who made that law? Some Jew?!!! I mean like, what do you expect? I was drunk as a lord!”

Thursday, July 27, 2006

You're A Great American!


“When a poor man, hungry and unseeing because his eyesight is failing, grabs me and starts begging, I feel the Nazi in myself. I abhor this man, and I want him to keep his hands off me."
—George Stevens

“Hi, Sean,” the caller says, “you're a great American.”
“Hi, you're a great American, too, my friend.” says Sean.
“No, Sean, you're a greater American than I am!”
“Oh, no, my friend you're a greater American than I am!”
"No, you are!”
“No, you are!
“OK, my friend we're both great Americans,” Sean concedes, “Thanks for calling!”
“Today,” continues Sean, “we're gonna talk with Ann Coulter, Bill O'Riley, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Ollie North, Joe Liberman, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh and Bill Clinton. What's that? Clinton had to bow out? Monica must be back in town. Why that liar! I guess that's what I'd expect from that adultorous, impeachable, liberal smut merchant! I always maintained that he'd never have been elected if Reagan were allowed to run again! Right, Ollie?
OK, now if you're as afraid as I am of the Democrats and Commie, fag, dope-smoking liberals hijacking the country and getting in control of our defense and our security in the upcoming elections you'll want to work hard to make sure that that doesn't happen. I know I'm speaking for all you great Americans when I say that I'm just barely holding my fudge! I know that most of you have already stopped holding it! Go change you pants, but be very, very afraid.”

“God bless you all!”

“Uh, here's Dave from New Haven Connecticut; hi, Dave!”

“Hello, Sean, I'd like to take exception to our President's reluctance to push for a cease-fire in Lebanon...”

“Oh, for the love of Mike! You liberals are all the same, cut and run cowards. You think we should give people who are our sworn enemies, who want to kill us all, a chance to rearm? You know why Israel bombed Beiruit airport? So they can't fly in more weapons! You nut-bag! You stupid jerk. I’d like to come over there to New Haven and punch your lights out. I have caller ID. I know who you are and where you live!”

(Plays sound-bite) “Get off the phone, ya big dope!”

Have you ever heard such hateful, jack-booted, thuggish, egotistical, ratbag, blow-hard, hot-air drivel?

“GET OFF THE EARTH, YA BIG DOPE!”

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Uh-Oh. They're Onto Us

“Bar association task force urges Congress to push for judicial review of Bush signing statements” —U.S. News & World Report



So Dubya says to Alberto, “Ya think we can get away with disguising a line-item veto as an executive signing statement to these bills?”

“Sure,” says Alberto, “It's perfectly legal. With the War Powers Act granting you carte blanche to do anything to protect the people from terrorists, you're good to go.”

”What about the Supreme Court?” asks Dubya, “They said I can't have a line-item veto.”

“Hey, this ain't no line-item veto, okay? This is you making signing statements saying you'll only do this if it's necessary to protect the country. All you gotta say is it's a matter of national security. Got it? As long as you keep everyone scared, you're in good shape. You can spy on private citizens, wiretap anyone. You can make illegal searches and seizures without a warrant. You can outlaw gay marriage, you can overturn Roe v Wade, you can torture anyone you want, you can out CIA agents with impunity, you can raise the dead and walk on water. Trust me, George.”

“Well, OK, then. Uh, one more thing, tell me Alberto, are you here doing a job no American would do?”

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

What Happened To Diplomacy?




“If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” —Moshe Dyan

I remember when Israel stood for something besides beating up on Arabs. Yes, they could always do that too, and quite well. I cite the 1967 "Six Day War."

Almost everyone knows that conflict. In six days Israel brought Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Jordan to their knees.

But there was something else, something heroic about a fledgling nation building itself from very little and making the desert bloom.

Suddenly we have the moral equivalent of being shot dead for bumping into someone in a crowd. And it looks like another occupation of Lebanon is on the way despite Israeli assurances to the contrary. If Israel doesn't want to negotiate, it obviously doesn't want peace. That means it wants this war to go on.

I can't figure why the Bush administrationion has seen fit to not give even lip service to a cease fire demand. What the hell is "durable" anyway, unless it's another way of saying change will never happen and we won't stop the bombardment until we kill all of Hezbollah. The Bush administration is encouraging the slaughter of innocent Lebanese civilians.

Obviously no one is negotiating with Hezbollah, but is it a case of one annihilation versus another? Has Israel finally had enough? Are they really serious about killing off about a 1.4 billion islamists? We're led to believe that the islamists are committed to killing about 8 million Israelis and ALL of us. I don't like the odds. Someone had better do some talking and it shouldn't be Redbeenzan Rice's sister. She's not qualified. Ehud Olmert should be talking to Nasrallah. NOW.

Monday, July 24, 2006

What Is Your Major Malfunction, Numbnuts?



"The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose." —Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

Photo, circa 1969; from a recently discarded Dan Rather file



It seems like only yesterday.

I was on barracks fire patrol when I walked into the head. I saw him sitting there. I knew we were in trouble. No one was supposed to be there at that time, especially with a weapon, cocaine and ammo.

I ran to get the DI, and boy was I sorry I did that! The sarge was pretty hard on him. Called him a fatbody, a conservative and AWOL. I think he left some psychological marks.

The next thing I knew we were in Afganistan. I turned around once, and we were invading Iraq. Now we're on the verge of jumping into whatever is left of the middle east— Lebanon, Syria, Israel and Iran with whatever warm bodies we have left in the USA. One more spin and the Constitution will be in tatters.

You know, THIS guy in the latrine never had the guts to do what the guy in the movie did. He just wasted a bunch of us. Private Pyle did the right thing.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Another Fine Mess



“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power’’
—Abraham Lincoln
I'm sure it won't be long now until the U.S. comes to the rescue of Israel. Not that they need any rescuing. I'm confident we won't be aiding the Lebanese. It's just in our best interests to keep our hand in the mideast's cookie jar. I'm also pretty sure the rest of the world will realize that something is backwards, despite the protestations of Rush Limbaugh.

I can't imagine what the world powers were thinking after World War II. What genius thought it might be a great idea to take Palestine from the Palestinians and drop the Jews from all over the world into a hornets' nest. Smack dab in the middle of every Arab nation in the world. I'm guessing they didn't want them anywhere in Europe. I'm also guessing that since God promised that holy land in the mideast to them a long time ago, they were determined to hold Him and every one else to it. They turned down a number of equally desolate desert areas which wouldn't have been nearly as suicidal.

And now our peaceful nation is more or less encouraging the Israelis to perform genocide on the Lebanese, never mind that Hezbollah is the supposed target. Yes, the nefarious bastards do hide amongst the civilian population with their Katyusha rocket launchers, and yes, the Lebanese government was supposed to drive out Hezbollah, but they do such a damned swell job taking care of the people, why would you throw them out? They've won the hearts and minds of the people already. They are represented in the government and provide a great deal of humanitarian aid that otherwise wouldn't exist. They are inextricably linked to everything. Even if they are a cancer, how can they be cut out without killing the patient?

Even by doing nothing for 13 days, we're supporting the heartless collateral damage. Actions speak louder than words...that is unless you don't act at all. Silence speaks for itself.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Where's My Enigma Machine?




The man says, "Get out of here,
I'll tear you limb from limb."
I said, "You know they refused Jesus, too,
He said, "You're not Him."
—Bob Dylan
Actually, Demons and Angels was a much better book than the DaVinci code.

It would appear that all the recent furor over Dan Brown's rewriting the history of Jesus' life is not only misspent energy, it is totally WRONG. After all, the book is a work of FICTION!

The desire to believe in the supernatural seems to be an innate characteristic of the human race. We go to great lengths to explain the inexplicable. People would much rather believe in the impossible than the probable; UFO's rather than weather balloons, Yettis and Sasquatch rather than a bear doing what a bear does in the woods, and an immortal carpenter's son who never had one prurient thought, much less to have given in to the temptation of a young prostitute's charms. (Not to mention all the magic tricks he did.)

Then again, truth can be stranger than fiction —even when it's fiction.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Pope Ratzo's Dream



"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't." —Anonymous
Pope Benedict, formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, Ratberger, Ratbag or some such, conjured up Satan by accident when he addressed the assembled throng of faithful after a Sunday mass at St. Peter's Square in Rome last Sunday.

Crowds of thousands in the square ran for safety when the demonic presence appeared, spewing fire, brimstone and sulfur.

The Pope was quoted as saying, "" I don't know where it all went wrong. What I meant to say in Italian was, "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen"...but it came out, "Hergekommen, Teufel!" Sheis!""

The pope's childhood friends from the Hitler "Jungen" who were in attendance had no comment.

How The Executive Branch Does It



"Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges!" —Alfonso Bedoya, Treasure of the Sierra Madres, 1948.

Recently, while being sworn in to testify before the Senate during its investigation into allegations of infringement on the constitution's 4th amendment, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' hand burst into flame. This has been interpreted by Democrats as sure sign from God that something is not totally on the up and up. The Bush administration claims that Gonzales has merely been on a hot streak playing Texas Hold 'em with the President.

Gonzales went on to state that, "as far as I know", everything the administration has been doing is perfectly legal. Then he said, "Ouch!" and put his hand in a pitcher of ice water.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Was It Really That Wonderful?

"Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad." —Euripedes, Greek Dramatist
It occurs to me that George Bailey might not have had such a wonderful life after all. In fact he may have been on of the nastiest, frustrated sons-of-bitches who ever came into your living room without wiping his feet. All because of an inept Uncle Billy who couldn't control his pride and a pretty shrewd businessman, Mr. Potter who knew a good thing when he saw it. These factors, combined with his savior-complex, comprise his tragic flaws. I can't really think of one good thing that George Bailey did outside of saving his brother, which anyone would have done anyway given the chance. (Who wants to go home and say, "Harry fell through the ice and drowned, so I came straight home.")
And it was self-preservation, not altruism that made him be dole out the bare cash-minimum to his "friends" when they made a run on his building and loan business.
From the time a little pressure is put on him, his lack of character begins to show, and he winds up cracking under the strain. Blaming everyone else for his problems but the one person who is responsible; George Bailey, the "bitter, twisted young man." It is only through the pity of the Gods, and the unfathomable kindness of erstwhile B&L customers/friends(?) that he makes it at all. George Bailey was a vicious, passive-aggressive sociopath with a hand full of gimme and a mouth full of "much obliged," too self-absorbed to know what a bad person he really was. He was a martyr who figured he never got what he deserved. And he was right. What he deserved and what he thought he deserved, of course, were two different things.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Is Condi REALLY Qualified?

Sometimes people just get caught up in something that doesn't necessarily make a whole lot of sense.
Even to them.
I often wonder at the motives that make people jerk like puppets on the end of someone else's strings. The motives that make them do things they wouldn't ordinarily do if they were thinking clearly. If they could see the "big" picture, they might not.
Sometimes our own egos seem to get in the way of how we were bought up, not merely educated.
I guess someone had to teach Nero how to play the violin.

Cheney Feeling Better


Vice President Dick Cheney said today, "When I'm feeling a bit peckish, I find that there's nothing that satisfies my appetite quite like a fresh, soft baby." Cheney then shocked the assembly of young mothers and toddlers on the White House lawn who had gathered for the annual staked-out-quail shoot, by producing a baby from a black Prada briefcase and eating it. One of the neo-con moms was overheard saying, "If he didn't have enough for everyone, he shouldn't have done that."
Cheney then shot two of the staked-out birds, and announced he was leaving for an appointment with Donald Rumsfeld.