Thursday, November 30, 2006

Al Maliki Decides To Get Out Of Iraq

“Now the fact that terrorists throughout the world see this as an opportunity to defeat the United States, we have to be - and every Democratic candidate, even those who opposed us going in, now say we just simply can't cut and run.—Al D'Amato

In a surprise move,
Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki stated that, since the United States would not get out of Iraq until its mission there propping up his puppet government was accomplished, he was moving his troops and fledgling government to Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaking to George W. Bush who appeared to him in a vision as a bouquet of daisies and roses, Al Maliki asked if he could have the window seat on the way to America.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Wiz You Is, Or Wiz You Ain't?

“The Democratic ethics package will break the link between lobbyists and legislation, where well-connected special interests write legislation that cost consumers more at the pharmacy and gas pump." —Nancy Pelosi

After hearing this, most members of congress could be seen laughing up their sleeves. Some were observed carrying large bags of what appeared to be money from their offices in the capitol to their chauffer-driven limos while muttering something like “...rather be safe than sorry.”

Others were heard to say, “I'll believe this when I see it,” and “...over my dead body!”

Monday, November 27, 2006

Very Open Thread

I dunno. I been runnin' around and not gettin' much done.

Puttin' up Xmas lights and taken the down and gettin' pissed off because nothing works like it should. I'll post again soon, but even civil war in Iraq isn't enough to get my attention at the moment. Guess that's just about as jaded and hollow I feel right now. There's a lot of crap right here at home (and I don't mean my house) that's wrong.

Most people are worse off, I know. That pisses me off too. Good thing not many people read this crap.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Turkey Begs For Pardon, Earns $14 The Hard Way

“Pride slays thanksgiving, but an humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.
—Henry Ward Beecher

As usual, a number of perps were brought before the chief executive to appeal their case. Usually the president picks the prettiest one with the best excuse as to why he shouldn’t be eviserated and eaten.

A number of soldiers in attendance at the White House tried to plead with the president to alter his stance on the war in Iraq, but with his typical resolve and pride in what he considers his moral obligation, refused their petitiion and send them to Baghdad reiterating that, even though “we’re not staying the course,” we are indeed not leaving Iraq but changing in the way we stay the course. Many present were seen scratching their heads. The president had a quizical expression on his face and asked if anyone had a cigarette.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

McCain Gains Ground, Loses Soul

“Don't sell your soul to buy
peanuts for the monkeys.
—Dorothy Salisbury Davis

In an effort to head off a two-year-early sprint for the presidency by Rudy Guiliani, Senator John McCain’s face split open on an old scar and produced Satan.

According to Peter Brown of Yahoo News, “the Democratic takeover makes it much more likely Republican John McCain will be the next president of the United States.”

Shortly before the arival of his satanic majesty, McCain can be seen in what would appear to be extreme agony.

“It’s amazing his teeth didn’t break,” said a bystander speaking from the Capitol, “I could smell sulfur the way it was after Bush spoke at the UN. I've never seen a man in the process of losing his soul before.”

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Many Are Chosen, But Few Are Called

“No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.—Mark Twain

Right behind McCain with even a bigger polling share of the Republican candidates at 27% is Rudy Guiliani. Looks like he's throwing his hat into the ring. I have no idea why an ex-mayor who rode the coat tails of the 9/11 catstrophe to some sort of perceived fame as a leader of men would ever do such a thing.

Here's a guy who shacked up with his mistress in the mayor’s residence while his wife was living out of a suitcase in a hotel room during the period of time he was busily divorcing her. Now he thinks he has a mandate to be president. Who's wearing the tinfoil hat? Vanity has no limits when it comes to love and politics...oh yeah, and war.

“Good thing they called us and gave us the heads-up before they imploded WTC Seven. Whooeee! That was close
! Otherwise I might not be here to collect on the good vibes. Look at me! The first Eye-talian American president! Columbus be praised,” said Guiliani. “Who's your god-poppa?”

Monday, November 13, 2006

McCain Gets Off To A Quick Start

“A fool and his money are soon elected.—Will Rogers

Senator John McCain from Arizona got an early start to his 2008 presidential campaign by meeting with Lobbyists in the nation’s capitol today. Clamoring for attention, lobbyists thrust stacks of money out to an exuberant McCain who was eager to take them up on their zealous outpouring of financial largesse. Signing chits and I.O.U.s promising to honor their special interest requests, McCain easily took in $3 to 4$ million dollars in the first fifteen minutes.
“I can't believe how easy this is,” said McCain. “This beats the hell out of merely bringing pork to Arizona. It’s like taking candy from a taxpayer! And I can keep what I don't spend! Woohoo!”

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

November 6, Tornado Anniversary Issue, Newburgh, IN

“Today, the technology is there to give early and normally ample warning when a powerful tornado approaches. When a tornado strikes, all of us are at risk.” —Spencer Bachus

It doesn’t have to be Oklahoma where the wind come whistlin’ down the plain. It comes roarin’ through Indiana as well. The house on the left side of the photo wth the silvery tarp is mine. At least I had some sort of roof to put a tarp over. No shingles, a few less windows and a lot fewer trees.

The tornado, an F-3, struck our house at a few minutes after 2:00 AM. There we're no warnings. The trail was some 40+ miles long, 3/4 of a mile wide, moved at 60 mph and spared very little in its path. My wife and the two cats came through just fine thanks to my daughter-in-law who called in a warning right before it hit enabling her to get to the first floor powder room just as the windows blew out. An event like this really lets you know who your friends are. Sometimes even strangers are better friends.

I’d always wanted to see a tornado. Morbid curiosity. Trouble was, I was in Pennsylvania when it hit. I content myself with the idea that the “FINGER OF GOD” wasn't looking for me.

It’s been a year, most of the houses in the area have either been repaired, razed and rebuilt, or remain vacant lots. Really miss those big tulip poplar trees and the fall color of the sweet gums that used to populate the back yard. Lost about ten really big ones.

Bought a big sun-sail to block off the summer sun. What used to be in shade by about 3:00 PM doesn’t get shade until the sun goes down.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Kim Jong Il Declares War on U.S.

“You and I may not be brilliant strategists, but we should all know that the best defense is a good offense.—Nguyen Cao Ky

In a surprise move, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il declared war on the United States today.

“You not the only people who can start a preemptive war.” said Kim. “We consider you big threat. We know United States is working on nuclear weapons and WMD gas. You already have plenty. We pretty good, too, you bet. We fight you long time. We will stay the course and we will win. You stuck in Iraq, you bunch of dummies. I have Long Dong missles, Double Dong missles and Typo Dong missle which is always misspelled.”

American President, George W. Bush who was vacationing in Vice President Cheney’s undisclosed location, could not be reached for comment but is expected to do something when he returns to Washington from that place where he went on his way back from Florida on September 11, 2001.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Kerry Exxonerated (sic). Troops Prove It.

“Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
—John Stuart Mill

As if to prove John Kerry correct, members of the U.S. armed services stationed in Iraq petitioned John Kerry in a Katrina-like plea for help. Judging by their banner, it’s obvious that the level of spelling in the armed services is about 2nd or 3rd grade.

The group pictured above are from the 109th Exxon-Mobil Presidential Pipeline Guard which represent approximately 95% of our forces on the ground in Iraq.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Tony Takes A Leak

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
” —George Burns
In a tearful confession, White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, admitted today that Ari Fleischer, no Scott McClellan, no he himself was responsible for the series of leaks that have ruined the trust of the public for George W. Bush’s administration. He told in great detail how his predecessor, Scott McClellan, was instrumental in what everyone now thinks was the fault of VP Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, Irving “Scooter” Libby, blowing the whistle in the Valerie Plame CIA leak. “Armatige was only trying to cover for his friends. He was gone anyway when they threw him under the bus.”

Obviously a chronic alcoholic, Snow kept jesturing to the press corps with his hand holding what apeared to be a double martini. The drink kept sloshing out, but it was apparent that he'd already had more than enough to produce the first truthful press conference in the last six years. Occassionaly he would pause to refill his glass from a pitcher beneath the podium, muttering something that sounded like, “Get off my lawn. Oh, these hands are so filthy.”

When he admitted that it was he who had leaked the classified report regarding the tracing of bank records of the terrorists, he broke into tears and announced he was resigning but to hang around as either Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity would be taking over as press secretary. “They’re both better men than I,” Snow choked. “Both great Americans.”

Thereupon, he produced some birch limbs and proceeded to flagelate himself wimpering, “Mea culpa, mea culpa, I'm not worthy. ” Then he appologized profusely some fifteen times, wet his pants and vomited on “OK, you,” in the corp’s front row.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The President’s Pimp

“A conservative is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits.” —Woodrow Wilson

Mr. Twister is at it again. And his ass is getting broader and broader from too little thinking and too much sitting. First he attacks Michael J. Fox. He does not appologize. (He might if you can prove he was wrong.) Then he continues to defend himself from even his own ilk, thinking that he might finally have gone too far.

For over a week now he been trying to get it to sound convincing. It's still a bit off. Now he keeps insisting that Kerry has insulted the troops and is trying to wiggle out of it. Insists that the troops deserve an appology. Yes, he didn't make the joke work, really didn't try to clarify any possible misinterpretation. So Rush can hammer away on how much liberals and democrats hate the troops with impunity.

Rush Limburger stinks as bad as the cheese he's named for. He is the most devisive person in America. And he's the only person who wins because he can sell products to 13.5 million listeners.