Saturday, October 21, 2006

Newt Gingrich, Hypocrite

“Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.—Carl Jung

This guy has got a few brass cajones. Huevos the size of eggplants. Serves divorce papers to his wife in her hospital bed while she dying of cancer!

Smart as a whip, but dumb as a box of door knobs. Who the hell is he to lecture anyone on anything?

Look at that face. Only an asshole so full of himself could look at a camera without believing he was better than the photographer.

Come at me with that banana, Newt. I dare ya!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Duality, Janus or Jekyll and Hyde

“It is by no means certain that our individual personality is the single inhabitant of these our corporeal frames... We all do things both awake and asleep which surprise us. Perhaps we have cotenants in this house we live in.” —Oliver Wendell Holmes

He was incredibly successful at denying his urges to bite the heads off his staff. After all, he was the president. He roamed the halls of the White House and stared at the pictures of past presidents. He prayed for guideance, he prayed for this country, he prayed for all the young soldiers that he's sent into harms way. He asked people to pray withhim. He was sober. He was drunk. Both with power and with drink. With misfiring synapses and with drugs. There was no truth like a lie and no lie like the truth.

He surprised even himself when he resigned.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

So, What You Think Now?

“Pride and excess bring disaster for man.—Xun Zi

“It furthers one to squat and wait for incoming. The ting is empty. It furthers one to bite the big one. No blame.” —I Ching

Most strange and wonderful the inscrutible eastern mind. It's as if a puzzle were in play eternally. If only we could find that one piece lost beneath a corner of the carpet in the living room.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

How Mohammed Found Enlightenment

“Wine makes a man more pleased with himself;
I do not say it makes him more pleasing to others.
—Samuel Johnson

Above is a depiction of either a young Foster Brooks, or an aging Mohammed.

He happened to be passng the hashish smokers’ den when an overpowering thirst and urge to partake of the grape assaulted him.

“I've already written the Quran,” he thought, “I got nothing else to do.”

He was tired of walking the straight and narrow. Tired of preaching that it was the Islamist’s duty to kill the infidels. Tired of preaching that people should not drink alcohol, eat pork chops or help one's wife cook, clean or take care of the baby. For the life of him, he couldn't remember why he had ever thought of those things as bad. No, in one moment of weakness, he gave in to the urge, and got shit-faced.

When he awoke the next morning in the gutter, awash with the former contents of his stomach, he was distraught at ever having had such a lapse of character. He decided that no one should ever be forced to go through what he was experiencing.

A young woman on her way to the well to draw water saw him lying there, picked him up and took him home. She made him a breakfast of sausage, bacon and eggs. She looked deep into his eyes. She said she loved him. She put him in a pit. He was there until he died. Screaming.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Foley Demands Hastert’s Resignation

During a fun game of “Wack-A-Mole,” Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert playfully attempts to get the best of his good friend, Ex-Congressman, Mark Foley.

After losing the game, Foley said, “My mind really wasn’t in the game. I must have been thinking about someone... ...something ...a drink. Oh, yeah, and Dennis knew I was gay and just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm NOT a pedophile. Everybody knows that soliciting sex on the internet with a minor IS a crime. My friend Hastert SHOULD resign. He knew about this years ago. I was just too good bringing in the big bucks for the Republican Party and he wanted me here, the big adorable lug.”

Hastert chuckled and said, “I'd like another side of beef, please.”

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Torture is Good, The End Justifies The Means and My Country, Right Or Wrong

Dear Sir,

We have been keeping an eye on you for some time now and at the direction of the President, at whose pleasure we serve, we have been instructed to perform an extreme rendition upon your person. Pay no attention to that white van across the street from your house. You will know soon enough that it does not belong to the electric company. We have tapped your phone line and have access to your computer files. The mere fact that you are reading this page is proof enough of your dastardly and traitorous ways. We know who you are, we saw what you did and we have nothing but your best interests at heart, believe me.

The President has taken a solemn oath and sees fit to protect the citizens of our great nation from all enemies, foreign and domestic. In order to do that, it is necessary to temporarily suspend all the rights guaranteed to you by the Constitution of The United States. That is why we have already rendered the Constitution obsolete. After all, to quote our president, “it’s only an old piece of paper!”

We have manufactured evidence that you are a subversive liberal with communist tendencies and are a card carrying member of the terrorist organization, AlQaeda. We'd like to know how you got that card. And we'd like to know the names of all your AlQaeda friends, like your mom and them. In order to obtain this information, you will be flown to Uzbekistan on an all expense paid vacation, where one of our friends with less compunctions about severe torture will have a little talk with you, Hey, none of our doing. We can't help it if they are a little less civilized than we guys with the white hats. Besides, you brought this on yourself. I'm told even their president delights in boiling people alive. Be sure to pack a swim suit with long pants, as the Uzbeks are very modest. Their mullahs often murder any citizens (like their soccer team) who wear shorts. And be sure to take your boogie board, surfboard or water board. Surf’s up, dude!

Good Luck!

Yours sincerely,

General Michael V. Hayden, USAF
Director, Central Intelligence Agency