We have been keeping an eye on you for some time now and at the direction of the President, at whose pleasure we serve, we have been instructed to perform an extreme rendition upon your person. Pay no attention to that white van across the street from your house. You will know soon enough that it does not belong to the electric company. We have tapped your phone line and have access to your computer files. The mere fact that you are reading this page is proof enough of your dastardly and traitorous ways. We know who you are, we saw what you did and we have nothing but your best interests at heart, believe me.
The President has taken a solemn oath and sees fit to protect the citizens of our great nation from all enemies, foreign and domestic. In order to do that, it is necessary to temporarily suspend all the rights guaranteed to you by the Constitution of The United States. That is why we have already rendered the Constitution obsolete. After all, to quote our president, “it’s only an old piece of paper!”
We have manufactured evidence that you are a subversive liberal with communist tendencies and are a card carrying member of the terrorist organization, AlQaeda. We'd like to know how you got that card. And we'd like to know the names of all your AlQaeda friends, like your mom and them. In order to obtain this information, you will be flown to Uzbekistan on an all expense paid vacation, where one of our friends with less compunctions about severe torture will have a little talk with you, Hey, none of our doing. We can't help it if they are a little less civilized than we guys with the white hats. Besides, you brought this on yourself. I'm told even their president delights in boiling people alive. Be sure to pack a swim suit with long pants, as the Uzbeks are very modest. Their mullahs often murder any citizens (like their soccer team) who wear shorts. And be sure to take your boogie board, surfboard or water board. Surf’s up, dude!
General Michael V. Hayden, USAF
Director, Central Intelligence Agency