Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Problem With Zombies

The problem with zombies is that most of the time they just won’t die. They’re tricky and hard to put down permanently. That’s the real problem. They just keep groaning, moving inexorably, and shuffling along in an effort to get more brains. And the poor things don’t even know they’re dead! Usually they are capable of holding their arms no higher than their shoulders as they pursue their prey. The only way to stop them is to vote against them in November.

According To The PUMAs, This Is What Should Have Happened Last Night After The Roll Call Vote Went Bad

Unfortunately, for the PUMAs, it didn’t happen. Hillary graciously told her most ardant supporters to grow up, get a life and vote responsibly. In other words, don’t be assholes.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Down But Not Out...Well, Maybe Out Too...For Now

Resigned to fate, is about all you can say.

Despite the fact that Barack Obama may at some point in the near future may find himself either incapacitated, knee-capped or dead as many other Clinton enemies and friends, Hillary will not slip away into that dark night. She is one to rage against the dying of the light. If she can keep it lit for a few more years, she may make a triumphant return in 2012 or 2016.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Club Gitmo Insanity

Those madcap boys are at it again! More fun than a barrel. More humor than the inside of an eyeball. More laughs than a hyena. Only George and Dick can bore a hole and they don’t know where. The need John McCain to tell them to “Drill now, drill here...right here” where presumably his feet are standing.

And don’t forget to order a bunch of crap from Rush Limbaugh from his “Club Gitmo Collection” so he can continue his riotous trips to the bank, America.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Evil Is As Evil Does

$400 million and this is what you get. Clear Channel ought to have its heads examined. Thirteen million ditto-headed clones who believe this crackpot to be the voice of conservatism, who in reality is no more than an ugly slug crawling on the national cabbage, spewing hatred and divisiveness under the guise of morality. What a hypocrite.

And he’s laughing the whole way to the bank.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

The Classic Creeps

Yes. They’re back. Those scary monsters that used to hide under your bed, in your closet when you were a kid! And they’re gonna getcha! They’ve already taken over the country. Now they’re coming for your family. Your wife, your children and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Now the pods are everywhere. Even your home town. There’s one of them that looks just like you! And you can’t seem to keep from falling asleep. Sleep well, America. George and his creepy friends are awake.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Drinking Games

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” —George Burns

In a vain attempt to show he’s the kinda guy you’d like to have a beer with, President Bush challenged Valdimir Putin to a drinking contest. Whoever could pound down the most shots of Jagermeister would win the world. At a supreme disadvantage because he is, after all, a recovering alcoholic, Bush lost hands down. Everyone will now learn Russian and underwear will be worn on the outside. Cardinal Puff could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Iowa State Fair Hosts McCain. Gets Porked

Visiting Iowa in hope that he might garner a few votes from Obama supporters, Senator John McCain munched on a corn dog and blathered farm gibberish to Miss Iowa Pork. Miss Pork smiled in a kind way toward the withered up, white haired senator and asked him what movies he’d made since Miracle on 34th Street. She’d loved him as Fred Mertz in I love Lucy, too.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Bush Off The Wagon Again. Gets Bombed At Olympics.

President Bush was seen staggering drunkenly through the beach volleyball venue at the 2008 Olympic games. It would appear that his adult beverage of choice was an expensive single malt scotch whisky and that he didn’t seem to hold it any better than any other alcohol he’d abused before. High-fiving the athletes and smacking ass, Dubya chanted “USA, USA...oops don’t tell Pickles, Shhhhh!”

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bush Sells Soul. Putin Demands Money Back. Claims Soul Is Worthless.

In what could be described as a drug deal gone wrong, Premier Putin of Russia apparently bought a pig in a poke. Haggling for souls at the Olympic Games on Monday, Putin put in a bid for George W. Bush’s immortal spirit. Unfortunately, when he got it back to his hotel room he found he had been swindled.

“It was merely this black, oily piece of goo about the size of a dead cherry stone clam. A piece of crap!” noted Putin. “Even Joseph Stalin’s soul was about the size of a watermelon and pink. I want my money back. And I paid in Euros, damn it!”

George Bush refused all inquiries and was on his way back to the states on Air Force One.

Friday, August 08, 2008

The Wisdom Of King Solomon

And, since no one could agree, with one whack, Solomon cut the Democratic Party in half.

Half the party voted for Obama. The other half stayed home or out of spite voted Republican.

John McCain went on to become president and the Democrats gnashed their teeth, rent their clothes and cursed in vain for the promised land that might have been had they not been such assholes.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Quoting Glenn Beck...

“Sometimes you gotta do what’s right for the country” —Glenn Beck
That’s why he set himself on fire like a Buddhist monk and burned himself to death. Good boy, Glenn.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

George Bush Figures Out How To Scare The Be-Jesus Out Of The Country

Since most Americans are not easily frightened of invading hordes of radical Muslims and Taliban fighters wading ashore in Ocean City New Jersey, it was necessary to find a more insidious means of scaring the country into compliance so that the Patriot Act would pass and grant all kinds of extra powers to the executive branch.

So Dubya had a government lab go to work in Cheney’s secret underground bunker and produced the perfect solution. An innocent white powder in appearance, but a really creepy disease in reality. Perfect. But they had to avoid detection. Cheney came up with another perfect solution, manipulate Bruce Ivins, an employee who had worked in the government lab to produce the deadly toxin and distribute it, have the CIA kill him and make it look like a suicide. The guy was so depressed at being instrumental in killing five victims he didn’t really care.

Better living through chemistry. Case closed.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Friday, August 01, 2008

And You Know It’s Going To Happen.

The criminals will get away with it and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The only good news is that it is doubtful that they will be doing lot of international travel in the near future. It took Simon Rosenthal a long time, but he finally nabbed Eichman. Think good thoughts and maybe justice will someday be done. Oh wait a minute. What am I saying. Never mind. THAT will never happen.