Anyone For A Game Of Softball?

Does anyone remember Gary Guckert? Does Gary Guckert remember Gary Guckert? Does Gary Guckert remeber Jeff Gannon?

Those were simpler times. When Scotty-Bear McClellan could have all his friends over and wow them with tales that he had to make up because nobody would talk to him and tell him what was really going on. Boy he must have felt stupid.

Thank God for Tony Snow! He doesn't make up stories. He lies through his teeth and spins the administration's policy as if it were the word of God.

”Hey, C’mon, Shake!” “No Way!”

After running into the president at the east Lawn of the White House, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi attempts to use a joy-buzzer on President Bush.

Fortunately, George had been given a heads up by Vice President Dick Cheney who was spying on the Speaker from the Rose Garden , his formerly undisclosed location.

Later Bush announced that in addition to the legislative, judicial and executive branches of the government, he had penciled into the Constitution a signing statement providing for a branch called Secret Miscellanea.

If There’s One Thing That Pisses Me Off, It’s Someone Taking Credit For What Others Have Done.

“There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.” —Indira Gandhi

Here we see the saviors of America congratulating themselves on having defeated the U.S. Senate by urging their listeners to contact their Senators and relate their displeasure with the “Amnesty” bill.

Rush, Sean and Laura never suspected that it might be that the American people who are always tuned into what’s right and what’s wrong. That when they need to, needing no urging from “talk radio”, they can speak for themselves in very articulate terms. This was not a right versus left issue. It was a “what’s DEAD WRONG“ issue.

The American people are not as stupid as Congress and the President think. Neither are they as stupid, gullible and in need of help thinking as Limbaugh, Hannity and Ingraham suppose.

What’s Up With Chris Matthews?

Why would anyone interview Ann Coulter? It’s like giving credibility to the incredible. Like telling me that I can have a meaningful conversation with the madman, speaking in snarls and drool, holding an ax outside my window . She may be intelligent, but she’s obviously a closet case who has never had a relationship with social creatures. No acumen, as they say.

And Chris, there’s gotta be a better way to get your ratings up. Ann runs a distant seventh to the non sequitor, Paris Hilton.

Dick Cheney—Neither Executive Nor Legislative..He’s el Guapo!

“El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?” —Jefe

We’re not sure what Dick Cheney will grow up to be. We aren't even sure that he knows what he wants to be. But it is becoming apparent that he is living in the secret bunker of his mind* at an undisclosed location, working on important projects involving secrets over which no one is allowed the remotest oversight.

There was another individual in history who created a system like this and called it "The Enabling Act.” That man was George W. Bush. Before him it was Adolph Hitler in 1933 after the Reichstag burned. And now you know the rest of the story.

*Attributed to Juan Williams

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream...

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.” —William Shakespeare

Deep thoughts occupy the minds of our nation’s heads of state. Rest assured that the evil-doers hellbent on wreaking havoc will have a tough time getting through the stalwart champions of the American people. Sleep well tonight. I know I will. I wasn't using my rights anyway.

Next, I'll DressUp Like Judy Garland

White House Sercret Service Agent Accidentally Fries Cheney’s Brain

In what turned out to be one of the most bizzare accidents to befall the Bush administration so far, Vice President Cheney narrowly escaped with his life today.

“It was all an accident, not unlike the accidental shooting of Cheney’s friend, Harry Whittington, in the quail hunting incident, and our bombing of Iraqi civilians,” said Tony Snow. “The good news is, you can't hurt the Vice President by burning holes in his head. The only way to harm him is to drive a stake through his heart.”

The alien grays, which have been genetically altered to make them look human, have a tendency for rays to shoot out of their eyes when they perceive anything dangerous, like a liberal, a democrat or a child snapping bubble-gum.

And He’s About The Only One

“You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all the time.” —Abraham Lincoln

Or is it like that ol‘ saying in Texas, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and... we won’t be fooled again.”

Compared to the left-leaning political blogs and the liberal media, the good ol’ boys at Mad Magazine look downright tame.

We see here a photo-op with Alfred E. Neuman after a three dollar a plate dinner during the 2004 election campaign. The President is good at listening to his generals on the ground in Iraq. He also seems to have taken a lot of advice from Alfred.

Got The World On A String, Sittin’ On A Rainbow, Got The String Around My Finger...Heh, Heh.

“Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done without using violence.” —Tao Te Ching

“It's a man's world,” sang James Brown. That's exactly what George Bush apparently thinks. And he thinks he’s the Man.

“See this little spot over here,” the president said at a press conference recently, “that’s Aye-rack, and that’s where all the evil-doers live. We chased ’em there from Afghanistan. Now they are doin’ evil there and if we let them do evil there, and we leave, then they’ll follow us over here and do evil.

“Now I know some of ya’ll think I tricked ya when I invented the Surge and said we were planning a new way forward. Well I did, didn’t I. And ya’ll fell for it. Heh, heh! And instead of 12,500 troops it'll be up to 48,000 real soon.”

A member of the press corp corrected the president, pointing to the globe in his hands saying, “Mr. President, that little spot... is Guam.”

Joke ’em If They Can’t Take A #%&*!

Good thing Don Imus has *&%# you money. Sure he said something stupid. Don't we all. I personally think Imus is an old curmudgeon on his way out with ratings already in the toilet. I don't listen to him and probably never will.

What was he thinking? I'll tell ya. In his clubby little room at the station, he thought he'd toss out some trash talk to make himself sound, hip. Like he's really with it. And why not quote some rap lingo in the ghetto-style tongue to prove he really is "in" when it comes to understanding the culture. What’s wrong with a little locker room humor among cronies? The answer is nothing is wrong with it. Unless someone is offended. People have rabbit ears these days. Everyone is insecure and paranoic. Everyone is out to get you. "It's all about me!" Well guess what. It's not.


Just ask Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the entire Rutgers women’s basketball team. Someone stole their moment of fame. What? Didn't they just lose the championship to the Tennessee Volunteers womens team. Be glad that you didn't have to come home in disgrace for having lost the championship and thank your lucky stars that Imus died for your sins.

STFU and move along. There’s nothing to see here.

Cheney Comes Clean

In a surprise move this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney seems to have done a complete about-face in his support of the President. Reached in his lair at an undisclosed location, Cheney stated that “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more. George has made us the laughing stock of the world. He was the one who told Scooter to rat on the Plame dame. I had nothing to do with it. What? You don’t believe me?”

Speak No, See No, Hear No... Evil

“No evil propensity of the human heart is so powerful that it may not be subdued by discipline.” —Lucius Annaeus Seneca

And so it seems that Dubya, although iron-willed and self-righteous, is less than disciplined when it comes to evil. He calls other cultures evil. Other countries. He elicits hate. He assigns blame, kicks asses and takes names. Yet he cannot affect the smallest part of the human race, let alone his own country, with a better than (currently) 31 per-cent approval rating.

His current visit to South America begets no more than “Feura Bush!” which he probably thinks means, “We’re For Bush!” until the eggs start flying, heads start being cracked and the security people rush him to safety. He vindictively choses to ignore Ugo Chavez of Venezuela. He focuses the hate of the world, allies and enemies alike on himself and therefore our country.

Then again, his trip is probably just a taxpayer-paid junket to check out the property that Jenna was buying for him in Paraguay beside Sun Yung Moon’s land on the aquifer.

Can You Hear The Sounds Of The Men Working On The Cheney Gang?

Late Saturday night the remaining members of the infamous “Cheney Gang” were rounded up by police and taken to a Georgia minimum security prison camp to serve out their sentences for high crimes and misdemeanors. The camp is a “country club” camp. Even the word , “camp” allows you to know how much fun there is to be had in this light-hearted environment.

One of the recent perpetrators was over heard to say that none of this would have happened if “Dick wasn’t such a nasty, vengeful hard-ass.” When reached for comment, Mr. Cheney grunted, “So what? They tried to queer the war! We had to make Wilson look bad! I wish Karl would have kept his mouth shut. I should have never listened to him.”

Irving “Scooter” Libby said, “I beg your pardon?”

Purveyor Of Pap

“It's so commodified a world we live in that you end up a huckster, no matter what you do.” —Russell Banks

Yes, folks. I urge you to squander your money on the products these radio show hucksters promote. Rush lauds the benefits of Zicam™ even though he comes on the air gagging, sniffling and coughing from a cold.

He has to take a few days off. Comes back on and announces that it certainly wasn’t a cold. Had something worse. Cancer? Not likely. No, like most snake-oil salesmen, Rush tells you his personal experiences with the product and how well they kept him from getting sick, refraining from advertising it while suffering the ailment it ordinarily is supposed to prevent.

As soon as he’s recovered from the plague (because it couldn't have possibly been a cold or influenza) he’s back selling the shit out of the product.

Don’t forget to get your “Sleep Number™” bed or your “Bellawood™” flooring.

Ann Coulter: Smart, Rich, Evil: And Wrong.

The author of “Godless,” a diatribe against the liberal left and the democrats has once again drawn the attention and ire of the target of her venom. Why? Because she wanted attention. She needs attention like a junkie needs a fix. She thrives on it. Can’t live without it. Why? Because she’s a dried up has been with very little left in her repertoire but inflammatory epithets couched in her clever rhetoric. Calling John Edwards a “faggot” in a round-about way is about as stupid a joke and as great a defamatory and hateful comment as anyone could make. I've seen people prosecuted and sent to anger management school for less. Does slander strike a familiar note?

Extreme right-wing nuts think they are funny. The problem is liberal lefties get all the laughs. They can actually tell a joke. When someone like Coulter spouts off, it’s a mean spirited vicious rant that is never funny and usually misinterpreted as political commentary.

My guess is she really gets prurient satisfaction from her exhibitionism. Kind of like pulling down her panties and showing her hoo-hoo-dilly to the crowd. That’ll make a buck, too.

And she’s as serious as a heart attack.

Especially about the money

It’s Better To Fight Them There Than Here?

The asinine argument that it is better to fight Al Qaida in Iraq because if we don’t they will follow us back to the United States and kill us in our beds is the height of stupidity. It is roughly the equivalent of postulating that it is better to go out into the woods and fields to find and kill every mouse that might eventually find its way into our house, eat the grass seed and cheese while spreading hanta virus in the cupboards.

Doesn’t it make sense, rather, to protect our houses’ perimeters and set some mousetraps?

Be Very Afraid

“Now about those ghosts. I'm sure they're here and I'm not half so alarmed at meeting up with any of them as I am at having to meet the live nuts I have to see every day.” —Bess Truman

Nope. George isn’t a ghost. He’s what you would call a live nut. However the extent to which he would have us all living in fear and believe only he can save us borders on the ridiculous.

So remain afraid. It's the only hope he has of maintaining power. Sleep well. The Ministry of Fear is awake ...and under your bed.

Even the newly elected congress can do nothing about the war. Send the commander-in-chief a message. That's about it. And it took a week or two at that. Their stupid asses could have walked down the hill and blew him a raspberry in about a half-an-hour and accomplished more.

Time’s up for show-boaters. Get on with the work. At least George is trying. If you can't trip him up, show him up. Don't act like idiots. I used to be a Republican. Now I have no idea of what I am except human. This is all a waste of humanity’s time. We should be doing better work after all these years.

“There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” —Dwight D. Eisenhower

What’s worse is when that child is a young man in his prime, sacrificed on the altar of a war that should never have been begun. As they used to say in Nam. “He was wasted.” And if a waste is the same as dying in vain, then there are a few thousand that have died in vain in Iraq. The conservative stomach has no place for dying in vain. If you die for a cause, it must be worthwhile regardless of who ordered you into the meat grinder. No one would ever do that, would they?

And of course, all conservatives are pro-life—when it comes to their own. But when it’s our troops who will be blown up in senseless slaughter, the conservatives all seem to be abortionists.

Until young people arrive at the conclusion that they are not immortal, that it’s always the other guy who dies, they will continue to fall for the “Attaboys!” of the zealots who will not do their own fighting.

“It is a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech except his own. —Herbert Hoover

President Hoover never accomplished much as he presided over the beginning of the great depression. He may have been aware of a young Austrian who later rose to power in Germany. How could he know that free speech could be such an expensive commodity? I'm really not sure it exists anymore in America. I suppose it does. I hear Rush and Sean constantly railing about the democrats wanting to shut them up; to take away their right to speak. Now THERE are a couple of paranoiacs. And they think their feet don't fit in their mouths.

Eternal Vigilance

“The price of eternal vigilance is liberty.” —I said that.

I'm not sure I want to cough it up. After all, that’s a pretty steep price to pay to have George taping our phones, looking at our e-mail, examining bank records, arresting you as an enemy combatant, depriving you of habeus corpus and putting you in jail for as long as he wants.

Sleep well, America. George is awake... and peeking in your bedroom window.

Drive The New Ford Exhibition!

“Waste is worse than loss. The time is coming when every person who lays claim to ability will keep the question of waste before him constantly. The scope of thrift is limitless.” —Thomas A. Edison

How much is enough? How much enough is too much? If you can afford it, you’re entitled to do anything you want within the law. No one would dare legislate against avarice, greed or conspicuous consumption. After all, it is our inalienable right to pursue happiness and it it makes you happy, then do it. After all, like Rush says, what kind of God who gave us the brains to manipulate our environment to our benefit would deny us the right to do as we see fit. To be capitalists, to rape the environment to enrich ourselves. After all, we're living in the greatest country in the world! Only we're using it up faster than Rush pops Viagra™.

Neo-Con Pimp

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. —Ann Coulter

The only thing she's ever said that is more stupid is her wish that Timothy McVeigh had bombed the New York Times building instead of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City. Reminds me of the joke about the pope and the bishop doing a crossword puzzle. The pope asks the bishop if he knows a word for "woman" ending in U-N-T? The bishop says immediately, "Yes, your holiness. AUNT. The pope says. “Hey, thatsa good one. Ya got an eraser?”

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. —Mark Twain

It would be pleasant if we could send old men to fight young men’s wars. But wait; young men generally don't start wars. They have fights which are usually settled with a minimum of bloodshed. It's the greedy, conniving old men on ego-trips who start the wars and sacrifice the youth of their countries as testament to their good motives, faith in God and to save their own selfish asses. The fat, middle aged propagandists like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity support them whole-heartedly because they have much to gain economically with no risk to their own skins.

Send the young men what they need. Some relief in the form of the commander in chief and his partners in crime.

Orson Wells Lives!

Orson Wells has been seen reincarnated in Sadr City. Dressed as Othello, the moor, Wells was making some TV spots for the local militia, promoting their skills as rabble-rousing nincompoops with the inability to think for themselves. An inarticulate Wells, babbled in pidgin-Arabic oblivious of the fact that his audience appeared to understand and hang on every word while the cameras rolled.

Waving Iraqi flags and carrying field tools the mob took to the streets overturning cars and setting shops on fire.

Condoleezza Rice put in a cameo, cross-dressed as Iago, while Vice President Cheney in a sporting mood, donned a blonde wig to portray Desdemona. A good time was held by all.

Laura Ingraham: Back Alley Radio Slut

Prostitution happens to you because of troubles you had. In reality no woman would choose to do that. —Catherine Deneuve

There she is, shrieking, trying to show how right she is. She asks a question and interrupts while the answer is given so as to confuse the issue. Making fun of people and degrading them. Great credentials, but a view so narrow as to be myopic. Defender of Reagan, President of the Iran Contra scandal, Mr. Forgetful who conveniently couldn't recall anything. She, along with Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity amuse and entertain a nation of sheep who believe their blather as gospel while being sold Sleep Number™ beds, Zicam™, George Bush's war and all manner of products.

Hate mongers one and all, preaching intolerance hate and fear. Proof that there is no God.

What Did We Expect? We Go To War With The President We Have, Not The President We Wish We Had.

This is The End,
This Is The End, My Friend,
My Only Friend, The End,
This Is The End, My Friend

The Book Of Robertson's Revelations

Whatsoever truth is brought unto us contrary to the word of God, it is not truth, but falsehood and error; whatsoever honour done unto God, disagreeth from the honour required by his word, it is not honour unto God, but blasphemy. —John Jewel

Pat Robertson said that God told him that sometime this year, probably in the fall, there would be a terrorist attack on the United States. God couldn’t specific as to whetr the attack would be nuclear or biological, but it could involve millions of U.S. citizens.

Robertson also claimed that the heavy rains in New England were ample proof that his prediction from last year in which numerous catastrophic storms along the gulf coast would wreak havoc on the inhabitants and cause millions of dollars in damage. The promised storms never materialized.

He also took credit for the infallible sun rising 365 times last year.

When reached at his condo for comment, God said, “Ya. know, that Robertson fellow really pisses me off! I've never said a word to the son-of-a-bitch. I've a good mind to tell him to bet on the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl this year.”

Goodbye Saddam,Hello New Boogyman

Now that we’ve managed to hand Saddam over to a bunch of thugs wearing ski masks and acting like the terrorists who beheaded Daniel Pearl and others, I suppose we should all be happy. Who’s going to be next? I see no difference between those people and our friends, the new government of Iraq headed by Nouri Al Maliki, except for the fact these terrorists are in power on this side of the conflict.

If we keep trying, I'm sure we can trump up a pretty good case against Mahmood Ahmadinejad, invade Iran and have him executed for his sins, real or imagined. Might has always made right, and let’s face it, when you win, you can do anything you want.

Me? I want to take a shower.