Got The World On A String, Sittin’ On A Rainbow, Got The String Around My Finger...Heh, Heh.

“Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done without using violence.” —Tao Te Ching

“It's a man's world,” sang James Brown. That's exactly what George Bush apparently thinks. And he thinks he’s the Man.

“See this little spot over here,” the president said at a press conference recently, “that’s Aye-rack, and that’s where all the evil-doers live. We chased ’em there from Afghanistan. Now they are doin’ evil there and if we let them do evil there, and we leave, then they’ll follow us over here and do evil.

“Now I know some of ya’ll think I tricked ya when I invented the Surge and said we were planning a new way forward. Well I did, didn’t I. And ya’ll fell for it. Heh, heh! And instead of 12,500 troops it'll be up to 48,000 real soon.”

A member of the press corp corrected the president, pointing to the globe in his hands saying, “Mr. President, that little spot... is Guam.”

Joke ’em If They Can’t Take A #%&*!

Good thing Don Imus has *&%# you money. Sure he said something stupid. Don't we all. I personally think Imus is an old curmudgeon on his way out with ratings already in the toilet. I don't listen to him and probably never will.

What was he thinking? I'll tell ya. In his clubby little room at the station, he thought he'd toss out some trash talk to make himself sound, hip. Like he's really with it. And why not quote some rap lingo in the ghetto-style tongue to prove he really is "in" when it comes to understanding the culture. What’s wrong with a little locker room humor among cronies? The answer is nothing is wrong with it. Unless someone is offended. People have rabbit ears these days. Everyone is insecure and paranoic. Everyone is out to get you. "It's all about me!" Well guess what. It's not.


Just ask Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the entire Rutgers women’s basketball team. Someone stole their moment of fame. What? Didn't they just lose the championship to the Tennessee Volunteers womens team. Be glad that you didn't have to come home in disgrace for having lost the championship and thank your lucky stars that Imus died for your sins.

STFU and move along. There’s nothing to see here.

Cheney Comes Clean

In a surprise move this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney seems to have done a complete about-face in his support of the President. Reached in his lair at an undisclosed location, Cheney stated that “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more. George has made us the laughing stock of the world. He was the one who told Scooter to rat on the Plame dame. I had nothing to do with it. What? You don’t believe me?”

Speak No, See No, Hear No... Evil

“No evil propensity of the human heart is so powerful that it may not be subdued by discipline.” —Lucius Annaeus Seneca

And so it seems that Dubya, although iron-willed and self-righteous, is less than disciplined when it comes to evil. He calls other cultures evil. Other countries. He elicits hate. He assigns blame, kicks asses and takes names. Yet he cannot affect the smallest part of the human race, let alone his own country, with a better than (currently) 31 per-cent approval rating.

His current visit to South America begets no more than “Feura Bush!” which he probably thinks means, “We’re For Bush!” until the eggs start flying, heads start being cracked and the security people rush him to safety. He vindictively choses to ignore Ugo Chavez of Venezuela. He focuses the hate of the world, allies and enemies alike on himself and therefore our country.

Then again, his trip is probably just a taxpayer-paid junket to check out the property that Jenna was buying for him in Paraguay beside Sun Yung Moon’s land on the aquifer.

Can You Hear The Sounds Of The Men Working On The Cheney Gang?

Late Saturday night the remaining members of the infamous “Cheney Gang” were rounded up by police and taken to a Georgia minimum security prison camp to serve out their sentences for high crimes and misdemeanors. The camp is a “country club” camp. Even the word , “camp” allows you to know how much fun there is to be had in this light-hearted environment.

One of the recent perpetrators was over heard to say that none of this would have happened if “Dick wasn’t such a nasty, vengeful hard-ass.” When reached for comment, Mr. Cheney grunted, “So what? They tried to queer the war! We had to make Wilson look bad! I wish Karl would have kept his mouth shut. I should have never listened to him.”

Irving “Scooter” Libby said, “I beg your pardon?”

Purveyor Of Pap

“It's so commodified a world we live in that you end up a huckster, no matter what you do.” —Russell Banks

Yes, folks. I urge you to squander your money on the products these radio show hucksters promote. Rush lauds the benefits of Zicam™ even though he comes on the air gagging, sniffling and coughing from a cold.

He has to take a few days off. Comes back on and announces that it certainly wasn’t a cold. Had something worse. Cancer? Not likely. No, like most snake-oil salesmen, Rush tells you his personal experiences with the product and how well they kept him from getting sick, refraining from advertising it while suffering the ailment it ordinarily is supposed to prevent.

As soon as he’s recovered from the plague (because it couldn't have possibly been a cold or influenza) he’s back selling the shit out of the product.

Don’t forget to get your “Sleep Number™” bed or your “Bellawood™” flooring.

Ann Coulter: Smart, Rich, Evil: And Wrong.

The author of “Godless,” a diatribe against the liberal left and the democrats has once again drawn the attention and ire of the target of her venom. Why? Because she wanted attention. She needs attention like a junkie needs a fix. She thrives on it. Can’t live without it. Why? Because she’s a dried up has been with very little left in her repertoire but inflammatory epithets couched in her clever rhetoric. Calling John Edwards a “faggot” in a round-about way is about as stupid a joke and as great a defamatory and hateful comment as anyone could make. I've seen people prosecuted and sent to anger management school for less. Does slander strike a familiar note?

Extreme right-wing nuts think they are funny. The problem is liberal lefties get all the laughs. They can actually tell a joke. When someone like Coulter spouts off, it’s a mean spirited vicious rant that is never funny and usually misinterpreted as political commentary.

My guess is she really gets prurient satisfaction from her exhibitionism. Kind of like pulling down her panties and showing her hoo-hoo-dilly to the crowd. That’ll make a buck, too.

And she’s as serious as a heart attack.

Especially about the money

It’s Better To Fight Them There Than Here?

The asinine argument that it is better to fight Al Qaida in Iraq because if we don’t they will follow us back to the United States and kill us in our beds is the height of stupidity. It is roughly the equivalent of postulating that it is better to go out into the woods and fields to find and kill every mouse that might eventually find its way into our house, eat the grass seed and cheese while spreading hanta virus in the cupboards.

Doesn’t it make sense, rather, to protect our houses’ perimeters and set some mousetraps?

Be Very Afraid

“Now about those ghosts. I'm sure they're here and I'm not half so alarmed at meeting up with any of them as I am at having to meet the live nuts I have to see every day.” —Bess Truman

Nope. George isn’t a ghost. He’s what you would call a live nut. However the extent to which he would have us all living in fear and believe only he can save us borders on the ridiculous.

So remain afraid. It's the only hope he has of maintaining power. Sleep well. The Ministry of Fear is awake ...and under your bed.

Even the newly elected congress can do nothing about the war. Send the commander-in-chief a message. That's about it. And it took a week or two at that. Their stupid asses could have walked down the hill and blew him a raspberry in about a half-an-hour and accomplished more.

Time’s up for show-boaters. Get on with the work. At least George is trying. If you can't trip him up, show him up. Don't act like idiots. I used to be a Republican. Now I have no idea of what I am except human. This is all a waste of humanity’s time. We should be doing better work after all these years.

“There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” —Dwight D. Eisenhower

What’s worse is when that child is a young man in his prime, sacrificed on the altar of a war that should never have been begun. As they used to say in Nam. “He was wasted.” And if a waste is the same as dying in vain, then there are a few thousand that have died in vain in Iraq. The conservative stomach has no place for dying in vain. If you die for a cause, it must be worthwhile regardless of who ordered you into the meat grinder. No one would ever do that, would they?

And of course, all conservatives are pro-life—when it comes to their own. But when it’s our troops who will be blown up in senseless slaughter, the conservatives all seem to be abortionists.

Until young people arrive at the conclusion that they are not immortal, that it’s always the other guy who dies, they will continue to fall for the “Attaboys!” of the zealots who will not do their own fighting.

“It is a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech except his own. —Herbert Hoover

President Hoover never accomplished much as he presided over the beginning of the great depression. He may have been aware of a young Austrian who later rose to power in Germany. How could he know that free speech could be such an expensive commodity? I'm really not sure it exists anymore in America. I suppose it does. I hear Rush and Sean constantly railing about the democrats wanting to shut them up; to take away their right to speak. Now THERE are a couple of paranoiacs. And they think their feet don't fit in their mouths.

Eternal Vigilance

“The price of eternal vigilance is liberty.” —I said that.

I'm not sure I want to cough it up. After all, that’s a pretty steep price to pay to have George taping our phones, looking at our e-mail, examining bank records, arresting you as an enemy combatant, depriving you of habeus corpus and putting you in jail for as long as he wants.

Sleep well, America. George is awake... and peeking in your bedroom window.

Drive The New Ford Exhibition!

“Waste is worse than loss. The time is coming when every person who lays claim to ability will keep the question of waste before him constantly. The scope of thrift is limitless.” —Thomas A. Edison

How much is enough? How much enough is too much? If you can afford it, you’re entitled to do anything you want within the law. No one would dare legislate against avarice, greed or conspicuous consumption. After all, it is our inalienable right to pursue happiness and it it makes you happy, then do it. After all, like Rush says, what kind of God who gave us the brains to manipulate our environment to our benefit would deny us the right to do as we see fit. To be capitalists, to rape the environment to enrich ourselves. After all, we're living in the greatest country in the world! Only we're using it up faster than Rush pops Viagra™.

Neo-Con Pimp

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. —Ann Coulter

The only thing she's ever said that is more stupid is her wish that Timothy McVeigh had bombed the New York Times building instead of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City. Reminds me of the joke about the pope and the bishop doing a crossword puzzle. The pope asks the bishop if he knows a word for "woman" ending in U-N-T? The bishop says immediately, "Yes, your holiness. AUNT. The pope says. “Hey, thatsa good one. Ya got an eraser?”

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. —Mark Twain

It would be pleasant if we could send old men to fight young men’s wars. But wait; young men generally don't start wars. They have fights which are usually settled with a minimum of bloodshed. It's the greedy, conniving old men on ego-trips who start the wars and sacrifice the youth of their countries as testament to their good motives, faith in God and to save their own selfish asses. The fat, middle aged propagandists like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity support them whole-heartedly because they have much to gain economically with no risk to their own skins.

Send the young men what they need. Some relief in the form of the commander in chief and his partners in crime.

Orson Wells Lives!

Orson Wells has been seen reincarnated in Sadr City. Dressed as Othello, the moor, Wells was making some TV spots for the local militia, promoting their skills as rabble-rousing nincompoops with the inability to think for themselves. An inarticulate Wells, babbled in pidgin-Arabic oblivious of the fact that his audience appeared to understand and hang on every word while the cameras rolled.

Waving Iraqi flags and carrying field tools the mob took to the streets overturning cars and setting shops on fire.

Condoleezza Rice put in a cameo, cross-dressed as Iago, while Vice President Cheney in a sporting mood, donned a blonde wig to portray Desdemona. A good time was held by all.

Laura Ingraham: Back Alley Radio Slut

Prostitution happens to you because of troubles you had. In reality no woman would choose to do that. —Catherine Deneuve

There she is, shrieking, trying to show how right she is. She asks a question and interrupts while the answer is given so as to confuse the issue. Making fun of people and degrading them. Great credentials, but a view so narrow as to be myopic. Defender of Reagan, President of the Iran Contra scandal, Mr. Forgetful who conveniently couldn't recall anything. She, along with Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity amuse and entertain a nation of sheep who believe their blather as gospel while being sold Sleep Number™ beds, Zicam™, George Bush's war and all manner of products.

Hate mongers one and all, preaching intolerance hate and fear. Proof that there is no God.

What Did We Expect? We Go To War With The President We Have, Not The President We Wish We Had.

This is The End,
This Is The End, My Friend,
My Only Friend, The End,
This Is The End, My Friend

The Book Of Robertson's Revelations

Whatsoever truth is brought unto us contrary to the word of God, it is not truth, but falsehood and error; whatsoever honour done unto God, disagreeth from the honour required by his word, it is not honour unto God, but blasphemy. —John Jewel

Pat Robertson said that God told him that sometime this year, probably in the fall, there would be a terrorist attack on the United States. God couldn’t specific as to whetr the attack would be nuclear or biological, but it could involve millions of U.S. citizens.

Robertson also claimed that the heavy rains in New England were ample proof that his prediction from last year in which numerous catastrophic storms along the gulf coast would wreak havoc on the inhabitants and cause millions of dollars in damage. The promised storms never materialized.

He also took credit for the infallible sun rising 365 times last year.

When reached at his condo for comment, God said, “Ya. know, that Robertson fellow really pisses me off! I've never said a word to the son-of-a-bitch. I've a good mind to tell him to bet on the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl this year.”

Goodbye Saddam,Hello New Boogyman

Now that we’ve managed to hand Saddam over to a bunch of thugs wearing ski masks and acting like the terrorists who beheaded Daniel Pearl and others, I suppose we should all be happy. Who’s going to be next? I see no difference between those people and our friends, the new government of Iraq headed by Nouri Al Maliki, except for the fact these terrorists are in power on this side of the conflict.

If we keep trying, I'm sure we can trump up a pretty good case against Mahmood Ahmadinejad, invade Iran and have him executed for his sins, real or imagined. Might has always made right, and let’s face it, when you win, you can do anything you want.

Me? I want to take a shower.

The Passage Of Time

“Fast away the old year passes, Hail the new, ye lads and lasses.” —Welsh Carol

It seems only fair to note the old year’s passing and wish it good riddance. Not much good has come of this past year. Humanity should be just a little further along on its path to righteousness. But it would seem that even the religious are far from righteous. More like self-righteous. Maybe if we outlawed religion and concentrated on being human we might overcome our natural animal tendencies to break commandments and commit the seven deadly sins. To cease being hypocrites.

What’s that?

Oh, Never mind.

An Officer And A Gentleman

“Honor and shame from no condition rise. Act well your part: there all the honor lies.”
—Alexander Pope

President Gerald R. Ford died the day after Christmas, 2006.

A kinder, gentler president this country never had. To look on the smiling visage of the young naval officer in 1944 one would never surmise that he would be vaulted into the presidency over a series of bizarre occurrences, handed a can of worms by the country and ridiculed by a man who would create his career by performing pratfalls at the president’s expense.

He had to be a big man to pardon the Machiavellian monster, R.M. Nixon simply to get on with the business of state. He was lucky to get out of Washington intact. He may have been the last honorable president this country ever had.

The good, the innocent, the naive, the sincere are often duped or betrayed by those who survive them.

Christmas

Merry Christmas to All!

How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The War

It’s really quite easy, you know. One only needs to make believe that it’s a movie. A cartoon of life if you will. Lately it has taken on absurd overtones with the Baker/Hamilton Commission’s six-month study that came up with absolutely nothing new, and absolutely nothing that will be acted upon by our current president. So much wasted time.

And now the president, who was originally going to assess the situation and tell America what he intends to do, has decided to postpone any comment on what his actions might be until after the new year. Given the current scenario. we won’t know anything until next November.

You Spent Six Months Studyin' Iraq And You Want Me To What? You Must Think I’m Crazy!

“It is a short walk from the hallelujah to the hoot.” —Vladimir Nabokov

Does anyone in their right mind think for one moment that George W. Bush is going to pay attention to what the Iraq study group advises? I think it just might have been a six-month stall by the administration. Regardless of what Bush says, we're not leaving Iraq in our lifetime.

And I don’t care what you call it, ”Cut and run,” ”The way forward,” or “Profit in confusion.” It still means, “Staying the course.” Because the only person who can change this course in the next two years it Dubya hisself. And I don't think the decider has decided anything since he got us into Iraq.

We won't leave even if it means killing every last one of their civilians and evey last one of our soldiers. Does the term “meat” strike a familiar note? Every week we get blown up driving around Baghdad.

“What did you do in Baghdad, daddy?”

“I drove around in my HumVee looking for the enemy until he blew us up with a roadside bomb and we got killed and maimed.”

That's either a noble cause or a stupid idea, and I have a hunch which.

Has it occurred to anyone that the administration really wants us to stay in Iraq. Don't we need the oil? Why would we be building 16 new bases there. Why are there almost as many civilian contractors there as ground troops? And where is all that money going that is unaccounted for? Why am I asking stupid question?

Jack D.Ripper Confides In Mandrake

Ripper: The base is being put on Condition Red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.
Mandrake: (deferentially) Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That keeps the men on their toes.
Ripper: Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not an exercise.
Mandrake: Not an exercise, sir?
Ripper: ...It looks like we're in a shooting war.
Mandrake: (politely irritated) Oh hell. Are the Russians involved, sir?
Ripper: ...It just came in on the Red Phone. My orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean to do, seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for Robert, to the wing. Plan R for Robert...It looks like it's pretty hairy...Now last, and possibly most important - I want all privately-owned radios to be immediately impounded...They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. —Dr. Strangelove, or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb.

What on earth makes a man do things to another man, be it brutally ignominious or kind. Seems like he’s always trying to get a leg up, as they say. Or as a dog might to prove who’s the top dog. Maybe it's just the pervasive pursuit of power.

Let’s Win One For The Ripper!

“I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew Jack D. Ripper. It was long before your time. But you all know what a tradition he is at Air Force.

And the last thing he said to me, "George," he said, "sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Ripper."

"I don't know where I'll be then, George", he said, "but I'll know about it; and I'll be happy." —George W. Bush inciting his troops

Once in great while, truly heroic steps must be taken to preserve our American way of life and our values, not to mention our precious bodily fluids. Even though we appear to be straying from the course by paying lip-service to modifying our position in Iraq, in reality, not one damn thing has changed. It’s not likely to—ever.

OK. So What If I Did It? I Did. Doh!

A totally amazed O.J. Simpson caught himself for murder today. He reeanacted the two mysterious thumps on the poolhouse wall, while a blindfolded Kato Kaylin once again proclaimed, “That’s it! That's what I heard. I really wasn't stoned!”

Simpson then proceeded to demonstrate how he brutally slaughtered his wife Nicole and her bandanna-wearing waiter friend, Ron Goldman, while singing the Umpa Lumpa song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

“Yeah, I did it.I did it and I'm glad! I knew I'd find him on a golf course,” said the victorious Simpson.

Simpson’s attorney, Johnny Cochran couldn't be reached for comment.

Al Maliki Decides To Get Out Of Iraq

“Now the fact that terrorists throughout the world see this as an opportunity to defeat the United States, we have to be - and every Democratic candidate, even those who opposed us going in, now say we just simply can't cut and run.” —Al D'Amato

In a surprise move, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki stated that, since the United States would not get out of Iraq until its mission there propping up his puppet government was accomplished, he was moving his troops and fledgling government to Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaking to George W. Bush who appeared to him in a vision as a bouquet of daisies and roses, Al Maliki asked if he could have the window seat on the way to America.