According To The PUMAs, This Is What Should Have Happened Last Night After The Roll Call Vote Went Bad

Unfortunately, for the PUMAs, it didn’t happen. Hillary graciously told her most ardant supporters to grow up, get a life and vote responsibly. In other words, don’t be assholes.

Down But Not Out...Well, Maybe Out Too...For Now

Resigned to fate, is about all you can say.

Despite the fact that Barack Obama may at some point in the near future may find himself either incapacitated, knee-capped or dead as many other Clinton enemies and friends, Hillary will not slip away into that dark night. She is one to rage against the dying of the light. If she can keep it lit for a few more years, she may make a triumphant return in 2012 or 2016.

Club Gitmo Insanity

Those madcap boys are at it again! More fun than a barrel. More humor than the inside of an eyeball. More laughs than a hyena. Only George and Dick can bore a hole and they don’t know where. The need John McCain to tell them to “Drill now, drill here...right here” where presumably his feet are standing.

And don’t forget to order a bunch of crap from Rush Limbaugh from his “Club Gitmo Collection” so he can continue his riotous trips to the bank, America.

Evil Is As Evil Does

$400 million and this is what you get. Clear Channel ought to have its heads examined. Thirteen million ditto-headed clones who believe this crackpot to be the voice of conservatism, who in reality is no more than an ugly slug crawling on the national cabbage, spewing hatred and divisiveness under the guise of morality. What a hypocrite.

And he’s laughing the whole way to the bank.

The Classic Creeps

Yes. They’re back. Those scary monsters that used to hide under your bed, in your closet when you were a kid! And they’re gonna getcha! They’ve already taken over the country. Now they’re coming for your family. Your wife, your children and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Now the pods are everywhere. Even your home town. There’s one of them that looks just like you! And you can’t seem to keep from falling asleep. Sleep well, America. George and his creepy friends are awake.

Drinking Games

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” —George Burns

In a vain attempt to show he’s the kinda guy you’d like to have a beer with, President Bush challenged Valdimir Putin to a drinking contest. Whoever could pound down the most shots of Jagermeister would win the world. At a supreme disadvantage because he is, after all, a recovering alcoholic, Bush lost hands down. Everyone will now learn Russian and underwear will be worn on the outside. Cardinal Puff could not be reached for comment.

Iowa State Fair Hosts McCain. Gets Porked

Visiting Iowa in hope that he might garner a few votes from Obama supporters, Senator John McCain munched on a corn dog and blathered farm gibberish to Miss Iowa Pork. Miss Pork smiled in a kind way toward the withered up, white haired senator and asked him what movies he’d made since Miracle on 34th Street. She’d loved him as Fred Mertz in I love Lucy, too.

Bush Off The Wagon Again. Gets Bombed At Olympics.

President Bush was seen staggering drunkenly through the beach volleyball venue at the 2008 Olympic games. It would appear that his adult beverage of choice was an expensive single malt scotch whisky and that he didn’t seem to hold it any better than any other alcohol he’d abused before. High-fiving the athletes and smacking ass, Dubya chanted “USA, USA...oops don’t tell Pickles, Shhhhh!”

Bush Sells Soul. Putin Demands Money Back. Claims Soul Is Worthless.

In what could be described as a drug deal gone wrong, Premier Putin of Russia apparently bought a pig in a poke. Haggling for souls at the Olympic Games on Monday, Putin put in a bid for George W. Bush’s immortal spirit. Unfortunately, when he got it back to his hotel room he found he had been swindled.

“It was merely this black, oily piece of goo about the size of a dead cherry stone clam. A piece of crap!” noted Putin. “Even Joseph Stalin’s soul was about the size of a watermelon and pink. I want my money back. And I paid in Euros, damn it!”

George Bush refused all inquiries and was on his way back to the states on Air Force One.

The Wisdom Of King Solomon

And, since no one could agree, with one whack, Solomon cut the Democratic Party in half.

Half the party voted for Obama. The other half stayed home or out of spite voted Republican.

John McCain went on to become president and the Democrats gnashed their teeth, rent their clothes and cursed in vain for the promised land that might have been had they not been such assholes.

Quoting Glenn Beck...

“Sometimes you gotta do what’s right for the country” —Glenn Beck

That’s why he set himself on fire like a Buddhist monk and burned himself to death. Good boy, Glenn.

The Power! Yeah, The Power! Uh, The Powder... Man, Was That Good Shit!

George Bush Figures Out How To Scare The Be-Jesus Out Of The Country

Since most Americans are not easily frightened of invading hordes of radical Muslims and Taliban fighters wading ashore in Ocean City New Jersey, it was necessary to find a more insidious means of scaring the country into compliance so that the Patriot Act would pass and grant all kinds of extra powers to the executive branch.

So Dubya had a government lab go to work in Cheney’s secret underground bunker and produced the perfect solution. An innocent white powder in appearance, but a really creepy disease in reality. Perfect. But they had to avoid detection. Cheney came up with another perfect solution, manipulate Bruce Ivins, an employee who had worked in the government lab to produce the deadly toxin and distribute it, have the CIA kill him and make it look like a suicide. The guy was so depressed at being instrumental in killing five victims he didn’t really care.

Better living through chemistry. Case closed.

The Republican Presidential Candidate

There’s an old saying. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

And You Know It’s Going To Happen.

The criminals will get away with it and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The only good news is that it is doubtful that they will be doing lot of international travel in the near future. It took Simon Rosenthal a long time, but he finally nabbed Eichman. Think good thoughts and maybe justice will someday be done. Oh wait a minute. What am I saying. Never mind. THAT will never happen.

Illegal Spying Made Legal For Bush

“President Bush and his administration have tried to pull the wool over our eyes and distract the public from this possibly illegal domestic spying scandal.” —Ellen Tauscher

Not since Lyndon Johnson got his bedtime reading from J.Edgar Hoover (AKA Mary) concerning the sexploits of the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. has a president been more guilty of spying on the public than now. Behind a screen of fear mongering that the jihadist bogeyman is gonna getcha, this administration runs roughshod over the constitution ignoring the fourth amendment which prohibits illegal search and seizure. Somehow a lame duck president managed to arm wrestle a spineless congress into capitulation on prosecuting the telecommunications companies for their illegal aid in funishing private phone records of individual citizens.

A U.S. president's granting immunity from prosecution for a constitutional crime. Isn't that, like, treason or something?

It’s Not Funny Anymore

It's official. Telecommunication companies are in the clear. By abetting the illegal, warrant-less wiretapping for the Bush administration’s “war” on terror, seems like everyone but 26 democrats caved in and voted for the new FISA bill. Even Obama, seeming to want to prove he's just another politician with feet of clay, who swore he'd never let them off the hook, now seems to think that he should abuse the constitution as well. Shame on these people. They’re supposed to uphold the constitution, not render it useless by ignoring it.

Oh, but then they have other uses for this sacred document.

Crashing Airplanes Qualifies You To Be President

Where's Amelia Earhart when you could use a good female running mate?

Wes Clark didn't call McCain’s patriotism questionable. He merely stated the obvious. Getting shot down and captured in enemy territory doesn’t exactly speak well as a qualification to be president of the United States. Hell, it doesn’t qualify you to be a janitor at the local high school either.

Move Zig!

Condoleeza Rice revealed today that she was, as suspected, an alien. Returning from yet another shopping trip to the Mid-East and Europe, Rice who prefers to be called Kahndi, suggested that she would “take off every zig for great justice!” Secret Service agents assigned to Ms Rice informed the White House press corps that at least seventeen zigs had been found in the ladies room at the State Department.

Only In America

Where else can you hoodwink a bunch of conservative Americans into believing the same old lies with the same old song and dance? The only thing Bush and McCain don't know is how to play “Pat-a-cake” with the true villains of the world, the Saudis. If Hope and Crosby were still around, they'd make “The Road to Riyad” and give Fisal's heirs a couple of lumps to think about while they were getting both Dorothy Lamour AND the oil.

What makes you think Reagan could do any better than some other actors? B-movie stuff at best.

Bush Awards Medal Of Honor Posthumously.

Now There’s A Handsome Couple!

President Nuri al-Maliki and President Mahmood Ahmadinejad going out on a date in Tehran recently.

We are still trying to prop up puppet heads of state who attempt to sell us their dictatorships as democracies. And we wonder why they turn on us like rabid dogs, embracing their own kind, after “all we’ve done for them.”

We have an idiot for a president living in a fantasy world who thinks his way of doing things is right because he believes there is a God who talks to him and tells him to spread freedom and democracy to countries which have no idea what democracy is because they’ve lived under the guns and knives of petty tyrants forever.

Who’s next on our to do list?

Hello, American Bigots. I'm Your Nightmare.

James Lester Johnson (alias Uncle George) once said; “Yum, yum. Eat 'em up!” as the famous wild man of Borneo who, cast as an innocent native (AKA Bumbo) from the south seas with a penchant for candy, chased the Little Rascals around the set until Spanky blew him out a window with some Roman candles.

Question: What does Senator McCain smell like?
Answer: ...Depends...

Perhaps there is hope that the same old lessons our leaders have never learned from might instead serve as a reminder that communication and diplomacy might outweigh fear, mistrust and blind rage.

Here’s hoping President Obumbo will chase Spanky McCain out of the general election.

Fat Blowhard Continues His Rant, Takes Drugs, Violates Children AND He's A Liar Millions Of Mind-Numbed Dittoheads Believe!

Rush spent the Memorial Day weekend in the beautiful Dominican Republic with a bevy of adolescent boys. The conservative pundit, who has the temerity to purport himself as the expert on all things conservative and Republican, while masquerading as an intellectual who can run circles around anyone with one half of his brain excised “just to make it fair,” was found nude in the swimming pool of GRAN BAHIA PRINCIPE AMBAR with a bar of coconut soap, a loofah and a jar of KY brand petroleum jelly. His entourage of teenage boys were laughing and playing harpoon the great white whale as they dove onto Rush’s bloated body. Snerdly could not be reached for comment.

Two-Fisted Drinking. Bush And McCain Pound Them Down.

In a smoky little bar in the heart of Africa, George Bush and John McCain spin their webs of war, intrigue, economic disaster and world domination. McCain quizzes the master and the master replies, “Never admit to anything, and for God’s sake, quit contradicting yourself on every issue. You can't be for and against tax-cuts! You can't be for and against abortion rights. You can't be telling people it's safe to walk down the streets of Baghdad when people are being blown up!"
“Yes, master,” wheezed McCain, “Can I have a fat juicy rat now?”

Impossible Worlds...No, Really

Truth is stranger than fiction. Somewhere in a parallel universe, doppelgangers are making plans for us. Pretty creepy, huh, Wally?

Chinese Catch McCain Off Guard

They established their patriotic credentials long ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep their traps shut.
Bill O'Reilly

In what might be considered another in a long series of embarrassments for the aging senator from Arizona, John McCain took himself out of action for about three hours on Friday. While toying with a Chinese finger puzzle obtained from a young child at a town hall meeting, the doddering Viet Nam veteran and inescapable POW managed to entrap both index fingers. After a valiant effort to free himself, McCain wheezed, “Does someone have a scissors?” To the senator's great relief, a local official push McCain’s hands together, thus freeing the aging candidates index fingers. Later, a more jovial McCain joked, “At least I didn't have to crash a sixth plane to get out of that one, heh, heh.”

Obama Wins Indiana Primary. Clinton Euthanized.

In the race to the Democratic Party's presidential nomination, Big Brown came from the pack to win over second place Eight Belles.

Stumbling down the home stretch after finishing second to Big Brown, the only filly in the race broke both cankles and had to be euthanized on the track.

You Puts A Knife Under The Bed And It Cuts The Pain

This past week, Secretary of State Condileeza Rice payed a visit to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory during her trip to the middle east. She whined and fussed how Iran certainly had no intention of stopping it's pursuit of nuclear weapons because it wouldn't roll over and play dead as the Bush administration wanted.

“Just because they say they have no nuclear weapons program doesn't mean we should trust them,” she said. “And just because all our own intelligence sources say Iran isn't pursuing nuclear weapons, doesn't mean you should trust us, either.”

Trying to drum up support among the European nations for President Bush's insane rant about wanting to invade yet another country, Rice turned purple and had to be taken to the juice room for squeezing.

He Feels Bad

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. —William Shakespeare

But I believe you underestimate the deep currents of empathy and humanity that course beneath this Great Man's unshakable frame, and the heatbreaking [ain that wracks him as the granite wheels of responsibility and necessity press ever more heavily upon the steely ingot of his...

Fuck. Never mind. He's an asshat.

Tip of the hat to Systempunkt, Writer Extrodinaire, for the above prose I stole from his e-mail.