Hello, American Bigots. I'm Your Nightmare.

James Lester Johnson (alias Uncle George) once said; “Yum, yum. Eat 'em up!” as the famous wild man of Borneo who, cast as an innocent native (AKA Bumbo) from the south seas with a penchant for candy, chased the Little Rascals around the set until Spanky blew him out a window with some Roman candles.

Question: What does Senator McCain smell like?
Answer: ...Depends...

Perhaps there is hope that the same old lessons our leaders have never learned from might instead serve as a reminder that communication and diplomacy might outweigh fear, mistrust and blind rage.

Here’s hoping President Obumbo will chase Spanky McCain out of the general election.

Fat Blowhard Continues His Rant, Takes Drugs, Violates Children AND He's A Liar Millions Of Mind-Numbed Dittoheads Believe!

Rush spent the Memorial Day weekend in the beautiful Dominican Republic with a bevy of adolescent boys. The conservative pundit, who has the temerity to purport himself as the expert on all things conservative and Republican, while masquerading as an intellectual who can run circles around anyone with one half of his brain excised “just to make it fair,” was found nude in the swimming pool of GRAN BAHIA PRINCIPE AMBAR with a bar of coconut soap, a loofah and a jar of KY brand petroleum jelly. His entourage of teenage boys were laughing and playing harpoon the great white whale as they dove onto Rush’s bloated body. Snerdly could not be reached for comment.

Two-Fisted Drinking. Bush And McCain Pound Them Down.

In a smoky little bar in the heart of Africa, George Bush and John McCain spin their webs of war, intrigue, economic disaster and world domination. McCain quizzes the master and the master replies, “Never admit to anything, and for God’s sake, quit contradicting yourself on every issue. You can't be for and against tax-cuts! You can't be for and against abortion rights. You can't be telling people it's safe to walk down the streets of Baghdad when people are being blown up!"
“Yes, master,” wheezed McCain, “Can I have a fat juicy rat now?”

Impossible Worlds...No, Really

Truth is stranger than fiction. Somewhere in a parallel universe, doppelgangers are making plans for us. Pretty creepy, huh, Wally?

Chinese Catch McCain Off Guard

They established their patriotic credentials long ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep their traps shut.
Bill O'Reilly

In what might be considered another in a long series of embarrassments for the aging senator from Arizona, John McCain took himself out of action for about three hours on Friday. While toying with a Chinese finger puzzle obtained from a young child at a town hall meeting, the doddering Viet Nam veteran and inescapable POW managed to entrap both index fingers. After a valiant effort to free himself, McCain wheezed, “Does someone have a scissors?” To the senator's great relief, a local official push McCain’s hands together, thus freeing the aging candidates index fingers. Later, a more jovial McCain joked, “At least I didn't have to crash a sixth plane to get out of that one, heh, heh.”

Obama Wins Indiana Primary. Clinton Euthanized.

In the race to the Democratic Party's presidential nomination, Big Brown came from the pack to win over second place Eight Belles.

Stumbling down the home stretch after finishing second to Big Brown, the only filly in the race broke both cankles and had to be euthanized on the track.

You Puts A Knife Under The Bed And It Cuts The Pain

This past week, Secretary of State Condileeza Rice payed a visit to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory during her trip to the middle east. She whined and fussed how Iran certainly had no intention of stopping it's pursuit of nuclear weapons because it wouldn't roll over and play dead as the Bush administration wanted.

“Just because they say they have no nuclear weapons program doesn't mean we should trust them,” she said. “And just because all our own intelligence sources say Iran isn't pursuing nuclear weapons, doesn't mean you should trust us, either.”

Trying to drum up support among the European nations for President Bush's insane rant about wanting to invade yet another country, Rice turned purple and had to be taken to the juice room for squeezing.

He Feels Bad

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. —William Shakespeare

But I believe you underestimate the deep currents of empathy and humanity that course beneath this Great Man's unshakable frame, and the heatbreaking [ain that wracks him as the granite wheels of responsibility and necessity press ever more heavily upon the steely ingot of his...

Fuck. Never mind. He's an asshat.

Tip of the hat to Systempunkt, Writer Extrodinaire, for the above prose I stole from his e-mail.

Bitter Clinton Takes Drink, Pulls Gun During Indiana Stump.

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” —Winston Churchill

An obviously bitter and mean-spirited Hillary Clinton began drinking early last Saturday evening on her stump through Crown Point, Indiana.

Those people in central Pennsylvania that Senator Obama talked about have nothing on me, crowed a bellicose Clinton , slapping her thigh, drawing a Smith and Wesson .357.

“When I was a young girl, my daddy took me out behind the shed and showed me how to use one of these,” she said, twirling the weapon on a finger. Then, tossing a silver dollar into the air, she fired, and producing a shower of two quarters, one nickel and three pennies.

Knocking back Crown Royal® and slugging down beer with the boys is just another reason why liberal women are more fun than the conservative right-wing-nut prudes, carrying their bibles, squealing about abortion, dressed in their corsets, lace collars and floor length skirts. Reason being, liberal women stand for “change.”

5 for $1.00. If Their Publishers Discount Them, Shouldn’t You?

These morons have a private pipeline to your pocket! They put your money in their pockets and laugh all the way to the bank. Yet The publishers are trying to get their money back on hundreds of thousands of unpurchased books. It's bad enough that they sell you Zicam™, Ruths Cris Steak House® and Online Postage. For God’s sake, America, wake up! Too bad if you bought this shit at full price. You are the sucker that P.T. Barnum said was born every minute. The problem is that they know it.

Isn't it time we dumped these “conservative” talk show hosts that keep writing drivel?

How Old Is Old?

“The defects of the mind, like those of the face, grow worse with age.” —Francois de La Rochefoucauld

When I was a kid, I thought Truman was old. I thought Eisenhower was old. Hell, they both died while I was a kid. Now that's old. Now a man who hopes to beat the Guiness world record for oldest man to become president of the United States is trying to give us another term for the politics, policies and pomposity of the Bush administration. Four more years of staying the course...a policy which never did change when Bush announced his “New Way Forward,” a doublespeak for the surge and staying the course. Again old men continue to send young men into harms way instead of attempting to communicate with our perceived enemies. Already this administration has killed more soldiers than Osama Bin Laden killed people at the WTC. We've more than likely also killed more Iraqi civilians that Saddam ever could have hoped to. And what do we get out of all this? More pissed off Arabs.

The economy is in the toilet, we’re giving contracts to foreign companies like EADS to build our military aircraft in France at the expense of jobs in the U.S. while on the verge of a recession. Meanwhile, George Bush tap dances on the north portico of the White House. Kinda reminds me of Hitler dancing his silly little jig when France was forced to surrender in that little railroad car. Except that was Allied propaganda created by looping the film segment to make Hitler look like a fool. Hitler hadn’t been stood up by his hopeful successor, and George Bush needs little help in making himself look like a fool

PKK Rebel Thinks Of Armenian Genocide, Sees His Own Future

Genocide is an attempt to exterminate a people, not to alter their behavior. —Jack Schwartz

Those Turks are at it again, and this time again with George Bush’s permission. No wonder he wouldn't dare to recognize the Armenian genocide. He sides with the bullies every time. Could it be that the PKK might actually have a legitimate gripe against the Turks?

The Armenians certainly did.

If George Bush had been around in 1776, he'd have sided with the British and shot every one of the founding fathers.

Why Does This Man Go Crazy Every Time He Sees A Black Man?

Insane sects grow with the same rhythm as big organizations.
It is the rhythm of total destruction. —Theodor Adorno

Eschewing his usual monkey-face, President G.W. Bush instead chose to beat like a wild man on this poor Tanzanian’s drum. He also acted like a victim of St. Vitus’s dance as he jerked his way around a crowd of well coordinated black performers demonstrating their culture’s ceremonial choreography.

“This reminds me of my happy days in kindergarten,” said a wistful Dubya. “Only they wouldn't ever let me play the drum. I always got stuck with the rhythm sticks or the triangle.”

He Thinks He Got Away With It.

“Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.” —Samuel Johnson

Feeling smug and confident, President George W. Bush will give his final State of the Nation Address to a joint session of Congress this evening. He will talk about how his visio for freedom in Iraq has worked beyond our wildest expectations. He will tell us how the nation’s economy has never been so strong. He will laud his own accomplishments to the skies.

He will be lying through his teeth.

This past week, The Center for Public Integrity published the results of an investigation into the truthfulness of this administration. It concluded that since the advent of the 9,11 attacks, this administration has lied 935 times, most of these lies peaking during the run up to the war with Iraq and other dubious endeavors of this administration.

(Click on the headline above to be taken to this article at the Center’s website.)

After completing his list of prevarications, the president will announce that he is placing himself and his administration under house arrest for high crimes and misdemeanors against this country. He will then pardon everyone and get back to business as usual.

One More Year!

They’re almost out of office, but if Dick plays his cards right, there might just be enough time for one more war. Remember, there’s profit in confusion, and if 935 lies aren’t enough, there are plenty more where they came from.

The Unforgiven

Not unlike Little Bill Dagett, Fred Thompson has been shot by just about everyone in the Republican party whether or not they be out of Missouri and killed women and children at one time or another and just about everything that ever walks or crawled. Not that he didn't deserve it. He did.

CIA Director Made Scapegoat

The Genius Of George Bush

George Bush announced that, against all odds, there will be peace in the middle east in his time. After absorbing all the culture of the area by osmosis while driving to the meeting, Bush met with Mahmound Abbas, Ehud Olmert, and Shimon Peres. Unfortuneately, since he considers Hammas to be a terrorist organization, he could not meet with anyone who could actually make a difference in his quest for a mid-east accord.

Leaving Palestine, Bush said he was looking forward to returning home to collect his Powerball winnings.

Almost 4000 Troops Killed To Get This Photo Op—OoRah!

Two soldiers valiantly try to support George W Bush, who, when it comes to the war in Iraq, doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He fell over moments after this picture was taken.

Some in the Bush Administration would have us believe that the surge is working, has worked and is responsible for the 60% decrease in violence in Iraq. I submit that it is not the result of an additional 30,000 troops and their dominance over Al Qaida fighters which has cause this turn around. Rather that it is the result of the first real cooperation among tribal clan leaders who have decided it is temporarily financially more expedient to throw in with their fellow Iraqis and beat up on the insurgents.

Though somewhat physically more dangerous if one happens to find oneself in a back alley with an Al Qaida Kalashnikov pointed at you, the deals these wise old leaders have made insure two things. First, that they are amply rewarded with the bags of money the US always has handy for bribes and propping up “friends” and secondly, that given the decrease in violence, the US may soon pull out allowing them to divvy up the country anyway they see fit regardless of the civil war this will foment and much to the chagrin of the puppet government we are so desperately trying to squeeze into a democratic mold of multicultural/religious sects.

Touch ’em all, George. Another home-run!

Five For A Dime, Thirteen for A Quarter, Or Eight For Fifty Cents?

If only buying votes were this simple.

My Skull And Bones Legacy By George W. Bush

“It was right about the time that I said, 'Thank you, sir, may I have another!' that I saw the light. I knew then that I could fool some of the people all the time. I've never looked back.”

A fellow Bonesman and Yale rugby teammate who refused to be identified remarked, “You never could hurt George by hitting him in the head. He got his ideas from bottom-up thinking.”

Witness one George Bush. A little man with big plans and a bigger ego. A small man with big plans for an increasingly small world. A new world order and a free world under his benevolent dictatorship— and where else but in the Twilight Zone?

Rush Limbaugh Says, “Beastiality Has Consequences.”

In a rare moment of candor, Rush Limbaugh admitted he had had carnal knowledge of sheep and pigs and had become infected with syphilis. The former Oxycontin addict stated to reporters that he was checking himself into a rehabilitation clinic for the express purpose of curing his sex addiction to barnyard creatures and receive treatment for the third and final stage of the disease. “I thought the disease had been eradicated,” said an obviously distraught Limbaugh, “When I went deaf a few years ago, it should have been a wake-up call. Now I stand a good chance of going blind, too!”

“It could happen to anyone,” Rush said. “I’m just sorry it didn’t happen to some liberal Democrat instead of me.”

Forever the consummate shill, Limbaugh said he’d put out feelers to the National Association of Syphilitics to be their poster boy, “for a fee.”

CIA Covers For Bush’s Torture Crimes

“Shamefully we now learn that Saddam's torture chambers reopened under new management, U.S. management.” —Edward Kennedy

It would appear that the Bush administration will have no comment on this ongoing investigation and the Justice Department’s looking into alleged wrongdoing involved with the burning of videotapes showing water-boarding of AlQaeda suspects. Water-boarding, for those of you who’ve been off-planet the last few years, is the act making the victim feel as if he were drowning by pouring water through a rag that is stuffed into his mouth. It’s very effective because there is a real good chance that it can kill you if overdone in the slightest. In fact some detainees have died, not necessarily from drowning, but heart attacks. Seems safe to me, though.

I believe it should be made law that if anyone says that water-boarding is not torture, he should immediately be grabbed and water-boarded in front of the Senate.

George Bush is safe. He’s got his new lackey Attorney General Mukasey working up a big smokescreen on this investigation, and you can be sure George Tenet isn’t going to sing any new tunes.

Happy Days Are Here Again!

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to a retrospective peek at the past seven years, I was much further ahead back then. In fact, you’d have to be living under a rock somewhere with Rip Van Winkle to think you’re better off today. You'd have to be insane.

The price of gasoline has sky rocketed. The value of the dollar has plummeted. The economy has slowed to a crawl. China is trying to poison us with lead toys. Our food companies try to poison us with e coli spinach and meat.
We have a vice president being kept alive artificially and a Secretary of state who ponces around the world doing nothing. We are still trying to prop up puppet heads of state who attempt to sell us their dictatorships as democracies. We are bogged down in two
different countries fighting wars that make no sense. We’ve got an idiot for a president living in a fantasy world who thinks his way of doing things is right because he believes there is a God who talks to him and tells him to spread freedom and democracies to countries which have no idea what it is because they’ve lived under the guns and knives of petty tyrants forever.

Yeah, we’re better off. Keep drinking the Kool Aid, children.

Follow The Money

Fat oinker, Rush Limbaugh works for Clear Channel Broadcasting as a controversial shill and global warming denier. He sidelines as a pederast with young boys on trips to the Dominican Republic. It is in his best interest to keep Exxon Mobil happy.

Projects of the Media Research Center include the Free Market Project, the Conservative Communications Center, and Cybercast News Service (CNSNews.com), formerly the Conservative News Service. It also runs the website TimesWatch.org, dedicated to pointing out what it sees as the overwhelming liberal bias of the New York Times.

Rush Limbaugh has nothing but praise for the MRC. He raves, "Brent Bozell and the MRC provide a most precious commodity - a quest for the truth. I can't possibly expose every example of bias and error that emanates from the national mainstream media, but Bozell and his group come as close as anyone can. MRC is a vital national interest."

Excluding 2007, Media Research Center has received $202,500 from ExxonMobil since 1998.

I guess it’s pretty obvious that the truth can be held hostage if you have money.

The Fog Of War Meets The Fog Of Presidential Thought Process

“Once you look at this demon in the face, and don't run away, the fear slowly dissipates like a fog and there's nothing staring back at you.” —Nicholas Brendon

President Bush grossed himself out while visiting Later Reed Medical Center. He was introduced to a young soldier with an amputated left leg who obviously took delight in the president’s embarrassment after the president said, “Hey, soljer! Hop to it for your commander-in-chief! Oh, shit, that came out wrong! What I meant to say was, I wish you guys wouldn’t come home at all instead of coming back with missing parts and making me feel funny, you freaky bastards, yuck!”

President Attends National Tree Lighting, Tree Surgeon Called

The National Christmas tree was illuminated by President Bush last evening. The tree remained erect for over four hours causing some concern among most of those present at the ceremony. The president, in a rare fit of compassion for anything, made an emergency call to a Washington area tree surgeon who came and cut the tree down.

“Everyone has heard those warnings on TV.” said the president, “You know, with those people sitting in bathtubs and all. Ya cain’t be too careful these days. What if these trees got the knowledge to make Nuke-u-lar weapons?”

NIE Report Says Bush Is Lying To Us, Or Something

“I apologize for lying to you. I promise I won't deceive you except in matters of this sort.” —Spiro T. Agnew

George Bush came to the podium yesterday thinking he could still convince the American people that if they didn't believe that Iran was evil and would kill them in a New York second, they must think he was crazy. He then said, “Be afraid, be very very afraid. Pay no attention to the economy, the sub-prime mortgage fiasco, the price of oil, the housing market slump, all those people who never found jobs and are now off the unemployment roles. Just trust me. Iran is going to get you! Boo! If ya’ll don’t believe me, I can’t help you, and you know you’re the only reason I wanted to be president...to protect you from evil doers.”

The president then spun on his heel after ignoring questions from the press corps, tore the head off of a White House aide and flung the bloody body against the door jamb with the resounding thud of dead meat. He then ran, cackling, down the hallway.

And That Takes Care Of That!

“The Republicans would like to take us back to a darker time, when corporations ruled and the underserved had no rights.” —Joe Baca

At the ceremonial burning of the bill of rights, Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney was given the high honor of lighting the original document on fire, thereby relieving the American public of its last vestiges of any power whatsoever over the federal government.

“After all,” Ms Cheney said, “We are not now, nor have we ever been a democracy. We are a republic, where fools like the public foolishly elect people to represent them. They get only what they deserve.”

Sean Hannity Linked To Hostage Taker, Leeland Eisenberg

“People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.” —Francis Bacon

Shortly before taking a number of hostages at a Hillary Clinton campaign center in Rochester, New Hampshire, Leeland Eisenberg took a picture of himself and this letter stuck to the passenger-side window of his car. After his capture, he claimed he knew nothing about it and said, “I think for myself when I’m not crazy. I never do what Sean Hannity tells me to do!”